Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Because I wanted to see what's next in the fairy tale
I couldn't see what was right beside me ~Ellegarden

I almost have that song memorized...I have the lyrics hanging in my cubicle, and even tho some of my coworkers don't understand it, I still sing it to myself every day--"Konna hoshi no yoru wa, subete wo nagedashitate..."

You know, no matter how much you think you can escape things and distance yourself, your past always catches up with you. And sometimes that's a good thing. There are so many people I feel--no, I know that I've turned my back on over the years, distanced, out of my own selfishness and longing for detachment. But I know deep down that I can never be this perfectly detached creature, that I can't be this living statue that I want to be. For ******** sake, I go from hating everything and contemplating suicide to crying hysterically that I don't wanna die so young.
And who else am I on the verge of distancing? Greg too? The people that love me the most? All out of my fear of pain? And after all that time, how can I just go back? How can I expect it to all be the same? How many others have I lost?

I have this vision...of my heaven, almost. We're in a field of fluffy white dandelions. The people I miss and love the most are there--the people I wish to see with all my heart: Carekee, Nev--they're holding hands with me; and Greg has flowers and a smile and none of his friends are invited; Erika is with her daughter, who looks just like her; Hinkle's there with a stack of yearbooks from grade school; Lisa and Toya show up with our art supplies; Angela is standing there quietly; Hannah holds a copy of her latest script; Quinn, Marygrace and Diana are unchanged over the years; Chris still loves Billy Corgan; DeeDee is still writing poetry while Christa writes erotica; Chenise is sober and understanding, and all the others I haven't mentioned drift in in small groups, and those we don't want to see have not been invited. And all of us together sit down at a long table and drink tea from a pretty white ceramic tea set with gold trim and pretty pink painted roses...with thorns. Because there are always thorns.
But I doubt this wish will ever come true. Too much has already been lost. All of us have changed.

Because I wanted to see what's next in the fairy tale
I couldn't see what was right beside me