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(wall of text...)

More often than I'd like, it seems that the only way to sort things out in my life is to write about them... It's like my outlet is my pen, rather than being able to work through it in my mind. Sometimes I Think I was born with one in hand, and a paper ready for my scribbles of confusion.

I drifted through much of my life this way. Scribbling words on the edge of my note-pages. Etching my heart into walls. I still have child-scribblings on an entry way here in my home with the initials of someone I loved.. or love.. I Don't quite know which anymore.

But that was done long ago. In a lifetime that's passed. But I still remember.

It's funny, y'know? And it's common knowledge. You take for granted that which you have until it's gone. Then you miss it.

I miss being a kid... or rather a teenager. Suprisingly those where just about the best times of my life. Even through the ridicule and confusion, I had my friends, my companions, my love, my heart. A semblence of rational thought amid the chaos. Now... I wonder what I Have.

Much has changed in the last year of my life, and yet so many things have stayed the same.

I'm not one to complain about such things..... Who am I kidding, I love to complain. It seems to be all I do at times and for that I owe much of my strife. Sitting on my a** and not doing anything about anything Complaining until I get my way haha. It doesn't work that way in the "Real world"

I've grown up. I have bills, a job (albiet a shitty one at the moment. But again, that's simply complaint without action. I have yet to search for another... Soon. My portfolio needs printing and that requires money I don't seem to be able to gather).

It's not easy passing that wall from highschool life to the world beyond. Well... for some it is but for me...

I've never been one to put much effort into anything and now I'm no different. Effort is required to attain a new life, a new job, a home... I've never been one who would put forth effort since I never needed to in the past. or if I did it was ignored.

I will not say I Hate my life, because I don't. I'm discontent with certain things, yes.. But they are of my own design. Again; complaint without action...

As I've mentioned.. a lot has changed in the last year. I've since finished college (and have done nothing with my skills aquired there thusfar...) I've said goodbye to quite a few people from my past. One in perticular hurt quite badly... But it needed to be done. Poison, we were for one another. I just hope she's doing well. She must be without me around to muck things up. Love is Love and Love lasts forever, but... Sometimes love isn't enough even for the strongest bonds. I had my quarrels with her, things I Even hated about her, and they were aparent. and her with me, as well I'm sure.

But that's neither here nor there anymore. We made our choice to say goodbye. As much as I miss... no... Miss isn't the right word. As much as I was accostomed to her company, everything eventually fades.

What I do miss, however, is college... It seems that I was destined to stay a student. I have the most fun when I'm learning. This carreer I chose has much room for learning every day, but again; I've done nothing but sit here on my computer, or my 360, or my wii, or my PS3... Ever the gamer to escape reality I cannot bear. Though I've taken back to reading recently for just such an end. All a means of escape from a reality I'm doing nothing to change.

Solitude is a Prison... and in my case a self made prison. I've shut myself off from those I care about, save for my family. Ever self-destructive, I believe. I've heard a few people tell me that over the years about themselves, but...

Yes, I've delved into the self-pity monologue. Another piece of my complaint I need to shake.

Whatever I say, though, I Can say one thing. I don't hate who I am... I really don't. Yes, I have my flaws... in some cases very large flaws that have been overcome or are being overcome, but there are those few persistant buggers that simply refuse to go away.

I Still smoke, even though I keep deciding to quit. My memory however betrays me and I smoke that first cigarette in the morning and forget about my vow... I suppose that has been my trouble in a few respects. One day though... one day soon It's one habit I'll kick.

I've stopped playing WoW, at least haha. But that's not permanent. My character grew quite nicely, is geared quite nicely, but my guild disbanded. (I'm a poor leader, it seems. Which is of no suprise to me, really.) So I've taking my time off. Wrath of the Lich King promises a new level cap and most people starting off on the same foot yet again. I'll probably begin playing again then. Until then my rogue can sit content in Shatrath and have his fist weapons collect dust. He needs a rest anyway, I've run him ragged through Krazhan, Gruul's and Magtheridon. Unfortunately that's as far as we got before drama did us in.

... Drama. Much cause for strife in my life once more. And I've come to realize it's Self-starting. Another self-destructive habit of mine. When things lull and become boring I seem to stir Something up, just to be slightly entertained. Have a challenge to overcome or some wrong to right.

It's sub-conscious for the most part. I've caught myself doing it recently and looked back on all the times when my life coiled into crisis. Most of them with her... It was my doing. And ultimately it could have been what ended things. Seven... or was it eight...? Years thrown out the window.

But again, neither here nor there. Time flows on whether we want it to or not. I'll be another year older in August with little more to add to my list of accomplishments other than "Lost everyone you cared about" (and yes, that is self pity, but it is also somewhat self-loathing. For most of the loss was because of events, words or... just me in general.)

I have grown in the last few months. with a few (good) old habits kicking in it's nice to be back to a shard of my former self. The self that I felt was at least worth a dime. I can't say things have been all bad.

During my workterm in college I managed to snag a position at one of the most prestigeous design firms in the city. Eight weeks there and I learned more than most of my college life. I also was the sole-designer on a national sports championship (granted, it was only squash... but still. Not exactly a crowd turner, but my work is out there at least.)

My bonds with my family has grown quite a bit as well. For quite a while they were slack, but I've begun more and more staying home on friday nights just to go to my grams and drink with everyone. A past time that I had given up for quite a while for the glow of a computer monitor....

But it's not always fun over there. Sometimes convorsation turns to the past. To those that I've lost.. My grandfather, my uncles, even Emily. Just last week in fact my mother brought her up in convorsation. I paid little attention to it but I did hear mom utter the phrase "I cared about her very much"

The strongest bonds....

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the past. And it's time to move ahead. I have a whole world open to me, with endless possibilities.

I guess it's time I got off my a**.

........Tomorrow. It's 5am.