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My life is odd. The way I live it.

It's as though I have a set amount of spirit energy to keep me going through life.
Kept in a vial somewhere, and used erratically.

Days like yesterday, I'm definately running on empty.
It's as though... there's nothing there. It's just... bleh. Like a balloon with all the air let out. Commenting on sites has been close to impossible today. I just... can't communicate when I'm like this. That I'm posting this at all is a small miracle to me.
I can't write at all when I'm down, that's why you never see me this way.
I simply don't post.

It's this feeling of... '******** this'.
Not in an angry way, just... 'why the ******** should I bother?'.
Other people don't matter to me now.
My mother could fall down dead and I wouldn't care. Not that I have anything against her. I'm just stating fact.

Wednesday, I was beyond hyper. Laughing at everything.
Thursday, I was a bit more subdued, but I laughed nonetheless.
Yesterday, I couldn't even pretend to be in a good mood.
It's not even the usual 'pull yourself together' type of situation... I just didn't have the strength.

Some of that feeling still remains.
If Gaia gives me problems now and I couldn't make this post, I wouldn't hesitate.
I'd give up right there... this is not worth my trouble.

Even now, I'm fighting the urge to erase this whole post...
I didn't explain myself properly. Expressing myself is beyond my skills, in any language. This is why I will not post this on MyO.
The majority of people who post there would misunderstand me.

I hate it.
Not hate... dislike.

I lack... passion. Intense feeling. What I normally would use to describe what I am experiencing does not apply. I guess you could call this a numb hate.

******** this.
Times like these I say s**t I shouldn't, so I'll ******** off now, before I piss on someone's impression of me.

I wish I could just be me... no steriotyping. That someone would take the trouble of getting to know me from scratch every day, for every day I am a different me. I'm never the same... and no one seems to understand that. By next weekend, I'll probably look back at this post with distaste. This is pathetic.

I always contradict myself. Tedious.
This is why I would never get involved with someone... I would give them too much of a hard time. I'm not worth all the trouble, believe me.
I should be thankful that I have these looks. If I was the type of girl that was fould atractive to guys, I'd be a slut. I am incapable of connecting with others on an emotional level. I get the feeling that all hell will break loose once I lose my virginity. I'd be stuck going for temporary highs... ******** them and ******** off. And there I'd be, even more ******** up than before.
So THANK YOU, GOD, FOR GIVING ME THIS ******** BODY. THIS ******** PERSONALITY. THIS. [********. LIFE.
Bullshit.

Now you'd probably want me to say "But hey, at least I'm alive, right? So much more could have gone wrong, OMG, I should be thankful! I'm so ashamed! Look at those people! They have problems. I don't have problems!"

Blah blah.
Lots and lots of BULLSHIT.
I can't change what I feel. I know it's illogical, damnit but this is what I feel.
Right here, right now, for no reason whatsoever.

God, I hate being emotionally unstable.