well i'm on the verge of wanting to be dead again... just like last night. i'm sick of all this s**t. i really am trying to make maxx happy, and everyone. but i never seem to do anything right or say anything right. i think maybe i should just disappear. i seriously wonder if anyone would notice. i dont think i really matter to anyone anymore. people keep telling me they care and they want whats best for me... but the next minute they are avoiding me or saying so kind of s**t. i don't know... maybe i don't deserve to be happy or loved.
I just want and need to be wanted and needed... at least by one person. things just keep getting worse. i'm so scared of what could happen and what will happen.
alex keeps asking me why do i bother... cause i love maxx more than anything. thats why i dont just give up. he's a smart and amazing guy. he has so much potential... i wish he could see that in himself.
since he was dating his ex and i was dating frank i liked him... i kept it to myself for the most part but the feelings were there. when i got to know him more and more i wanted to be his. i know i said that... even though i am not an object... but i want someone to tell me i'm theirs and only theirs. is that dumb?
i've been talking to my mom about going to cali. she's not objected to it. she has said she wants to see him on cam first to make sure he's who he says he is. she knows how i feel about him... she wants me to be happy... even though she keeps asking me "why can't you find anyone here, or at least Toronto".
i guess i still have hope that maxx will come here and be with me like he kept on telling me. i really would love that... maybe being away from the things that cause him so much grief would help him. maybe i could help him if he was here.
he deserves so much more than he has and has had done to him. he's a amazing guy with a caring heart... even though he has a toughness about him.
when he calls me sweetheart it makes me feel like everything is good or at least it will be ok. i really hope things will be ok. right now... i know it sounds selfish... but i need things to be ok.
i start back at school in august... i'm scared things will keep being unstable. i'm scared the instability will cause me to go back to my ******** up ways of cutting every night and my very often visits to the hospital. meh....
i think i will end this here...
i'm not a religious person... but if there is a god up there... please please please help maxx through all this. make sure he's safe, maybe even happy if it's not too much to ask
this song is for maxx... http://youtube.com/watch?v=J5pECaW-VMI
and here are the lyrics... http://www.lyricsbox.com/pretenders-the-lyrics-i'll-stand-by-you-6ksll17.html
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Jewlz Thoughts
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-x-NarcoSynthesis-x- Community Member 
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I'll pray for both you and Maxx, if it makes you feel any better.
Like I've said before, I'm here if you ever want to talk.