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I think I know why I am the way i am....why I can seem so strong at one moment but then the next I'm in tears. It's because of the darkness in my mind. I guess what I hate the most is what I use the most...my depression. I mean I use it all the time to extract the opposite reaction than what the illness is supposed to give.

I mean when I think up my dark thoughs I'm preparing myself for the worst possible outcome and that's why I don't get upset when the worst possible outcome...comes. I guess that's why I can come off so strong but that's why i can lose it...because these dark thoughts...trust me are very very dark.

I don't know how much my mind can stand....maybe I'm not strong after all...I'm weak...

EDIT: 6:04pm

Kiba: What's wrong, Ashley?
Me: Dunno....
Naruto: Well Zak's back, shouldn't you be happy?
Me: I'm very glad he's back. I'm super happy about that.
Shikamaru: You have an odd way of showing it....
Me: Well I'm dealing with a bunch of s**t right now!
Shikamaru: Jeez, no need to get angry.
Me: -sighs- I'm sorry, Shikamaru. I shouldn't have yelled at you.
Kiba: So what are you dealing with?
Me: My father leaving, my family having no money, being depressed, and carple tunnel.
Naruto: Oh, I'm sorry Ashley.
Me: Me too.
Kiba: We're here for you.
Me: I know I just feel still so alone.
Shikamaru: But you're not....
Me: I know. I have Nikki, Zak, and everyone online but...well I just feel left out and to myself.
Nauto: What about your family?
Kiba: -smacks naruto upside the head-
me: -glaring at naruto- They aren't here for me.
Naruto: Sorry....
Shikamaru: Well just remember no matter how alone you feel you have people here for you.
Me: It's just so hard to remember that....
Naruto: I know what you mean...I feel like that a lot too.
Me: -half smile-

EDIT: 6:25pm

I can't stand this anymore! I hate this lonely dark feeling that won't go away. My my screams at me while my older sister mocks me and laughs at me and neither care that I'm crying. I feel so alone right now...I feel tired and sad and just want to cry.
I want to kill myself...I just want to leave and not have to deal with this anymore. i don't give a damn how selfish it is...I just want to leave this. I can't stand it! it hurts so bad! I just want to take a knife and cut out my heart and let myself bleed to death...what have I done to deserve this?