Imagine for a moment, if you would, every global crisis solved. Impossible you say? Most definitely. It is an inescapable and undeniable fact that without strife, adversity, and all those other thoroughly crappy problems that lead to such interesting literary works, life as we know it would cease to exist. Existence itself would for us become impossible and would soon be taken over by robots. Anybody see Wall:E? Just like the people on the ship, only without the cute little garbage collector ever coming to save the day. Personally, I blame all of them for the stupid problems, of which there are many. Sure, I could solve every current global problem, and very easily at that. But I am certain that it would lead to other more complicated and less easily solved problems.
My solution is this: Rename the planet. Instead of Earth, I suggest Disney World. Please let me explain how this would change the world. (By the way, the 'please' is merely a formality. I'm going to tell you regardless.)
First though, let me point out to everyone something I wrote a little while back that I'm sure none of you have read (and if you have, kudos to you. have a cookie while you wait for me to finish, huh?).
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I go home to a World where Lands come together, where Mountains are never a barrier, where the people are friendly and the streets are clean, where Magic is real, where all roads lead to Adventure, to Tomorrow, to Fantasy, where whole continents are just a hop, skip and a jump, where explosions bring joy, where Animals roam the Streets, where life has a soundtrack, where Street performers don't ask for tips, where the Seas and the Land are the teachers, where Tests and Missions are fun, where the Cirque is always in town, where the Grand and the Contemporary are on the same line, where there's no danger in the Jungle, where Spaceships are open to everyone, where Figments are real, where Imagination is a place, where the World of the Future is laid out all around you, even when the old Horizons are gone, and where a Million Dreams come true... My World is a Showcase, and I can't wait to go home...
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And now, the moment you've all been waiting for (or at least, that I've imagined you pretending to care about), how making the whole world into Disney World would make me quite literally the scariest happy person you've ever seen! (Sorry, Usagi-chan, but you really don't have anything on me when it comes to Disney. Or Pillows, but I digress...)
First, imagine Disney World. (For all of you who haven't been there, go sit in the corner and be emo.) Now, imagine Disney World, only EVERYWHERE. Like, say you need to get from the mall to... well, to where ever people go when they leave the mall. Now instead of driving, imagine taking the monorail. But the nice Disney ones, and not the crappy ones that they have in some places. Like instead of a subway, have monorails everywhere like the bullet trains in Japan. Only again, better, 'cause hello, Disney... And then say you're hungry for Italian food or something. Then you could just pop on over to Italy and watch fireworks afterwards. And since I'm not so insensible as to imagine that changing the name of the planet would also change the climates, I know that the whole world wouldn't feel like central Florida. So when you're too hot, just pop on over to Canada (and ask them if they take Canadian, 'cause I really should have when we were there...). Too cold? It's just a short walk over to Morocco. Thirsty for something a little stronger than soda? There's wine in France and Italy, beer in Germany and England, and sake in Japan (there's probably more - Epcot is the only Disney Park that sells alcohol.). Can't decide on soda? Throw in all the international ones from the Cool Station to really confuse things! (Only don't drink the Beverly. That's just gross.) Want a new really cool outfit? You can buy belly dancer stuff in Morocco and kilts and stuff in England and kimonos and manga-themed shirts in Japan and cute little dresses in China and... (Too lazy to think of any more. You get the general idea.) For all you RPing junkies, you can hang out in Mission: Space and get your high pressing buttons and getting so dizzy you puke. And you can ride in cars that drive themselves on Test Track, and there would be little boat rides with audioanimatronics everywhere (which I know bothers some of you guys, but seriously, they're engineering marvels, so don't knock 'em, okay?). And there would be amazing fireworks every night and cool stage show type things and massive fountains that shot water in time with the music... Just some awesomely cool stuff, right? And that's just Epcot people! Then every mountain in the world would have an amazing roller coaster or water ride, and the jungle would have really cool tour guides who act(?) like they hate their jobs/lives and tell really bad but funny jokes, and haunted houses would actually have ghosts, and pirates would be robots but with really elaborate details that make them look really real, and even when it rained it wouldn't really ruin the day, and there would be these unrealistically cool castles everywhere (as opposed to the castles in Europe, which are only realistically cool), and there wouldn't be any crime 'cause the punishment would be being strapped down in the Small World ride, and there would be parades just 'cause people got bored, and the food everywhere would be delicious, and elevators plummeting to the bottom of the shaft would be expected (and I would take the stairs), and theaters would take you into the movies, and things would just be freakin' AWESOME! (You can tell I just got too tired and ran out of ideas here)
Oh, one more thing... Everything would be like the movies! Those unrealistic expectations about hair? Totally achievable now! And every girl is always looking for the perfect guy... Now there's guys everywhere that look and act like Aladdin and Prince Charming and... and... Well, honestly, I can't think of any other really good ones at the moment. But you get the idea. And if guys get bored, they can hang with Jasmin and Ariel, who both wear outfits that are really kinda skimpy in the chest zone. And Becky would be in HEAVEN with Animal Kingdom everywhere. And when Becky's happy, she's not complaining. Who can honestly say that's not a good thing?
Do you see? Earth should just be renamed Disney World. And every other day should be Wednesday, which we would call Bed-day, 'cause I'd love to spend all day with my pillow and blankets. And sleeping. Oh, and when I go to all the other Disney Lands and whatnot, then that will just add to the list. Just imagine... all of that's just outta Florida! And since I'm tired, that's not even all of it!
So yes, changing the name would solve all our problems. 'Cause in case you didn't know, Disney is one of the cleanest and most eco-friendly companies in the world. The only problems would be decision making... and while it is a personal stumbling block, generally the decision would be along the lines of, 'Do I wanna go to Morroco or Norway today?' or 'Where do we want to eat?' or 'Do you wanna see the fireworks or go on another ride?'
As you can see, global crisis adverted. And all with a simple name change. And anyone who doesn't like it can rot in It's A Small World. (See what all you deprived children miss by not having gone to Disney? Life sucks for you!)
*deep breath* okay, I'm done now. If you read all this, I'll give you a piece of candy. But you'll have to prove it.
[/brain ooze]
SwarthyBasswood Community Member 
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