It's been two months since me and my bf have got together. I talked to him two times today. That's good for the situation we're in. It's hard at the moment but things will get better. Once he gets away from what's happening (which will be soon) things will go back to normal. I really miss talking to him but I know this is hard for him to so I dont complain. Or at least I try not to. I ended up crying on the phone with him. It made him feel SO bad...which in turn made me feel even worse.
I might as well explain the situation...it'll help get some of the tension I have out. Ok well we talked everyday on the computer and phone for awhile. He's been getting into fights a lot with his brothers and lately they've been getting worse...Then he got in a fight with his step dad cause he said that Michael was on the phone to much. So talking to me and fighting with his brothers got him grounded. He's not supposed to go on the phone for 2 weeks and he cant use the computer for a month. Though when his step dad and brothers leave his mom lets him use the phone. I love that women!
So now we only talk once a day if we're lucky. Sometimes we dont talk for days on end. God how that kills me inside. I really hate his step dad and I haven't even met him...that takes skill my friend. His brothers aren't exactly on my "list" yet but they're close. (i have a list of people I dont like. so what?) I love his mom. She's so nice. She lets him talk to me whenever his step dad and bros aren't around. She's so awesome. I cant wait until I get to meet her! That will be a very good day ^-^
On our second convo I messed up big time. I was talking about how if I tell him things about me the more vunerable I am. Then he asked "Vunerable to what" I didn't say anything and then there was an akward silence for what seemed like hours (only a few minutes)then he got another call and had to switch lines...It took him a few minutes before he switched back to talk to me. He had to go...we said our good-byes but right when I was about to say "I love you" he hung up...he didn't say "I love you" either...I messed up...what if he hates me now? What if he doesn't love me anymore? I know that sounds rediculis and he would be pissed at me if he knew I was even considering those things, but...I am considering those things...hopefully we talk tomorrow and I can hear his voice tell me he loves me. Then I'll be all better. I'll be ok; I'll be safe once again...
"Smother"
Can you see through this mask?
Can you uncover this lie?
Can you see the real me at last?
Can you find lies as clouds in the sky?
I can fool anyone, anytime
But there's something different about you
You wont let me get away from my crime
Just know that you're a fraud too
You may fool others with that smile full of charm
But you must remember I play this game as well
You may hurt others but you cause me no harm
Remember you cant hide forever in this shell
You must learn who you are before giving up this act
Don't give it up to soon
You have to understand some things may lack
What am I saying? I don't even know my own tune
((he thinks he's got everything figured out. but I've figured him out too. now only time will tell what will happen. will both frauds be reveled, both, or neither? we'll see...))
"Gone, yet still loved"
WHY do I miss you? It's not just you though. It's everything about you. I miss you special laugh, I miss your sweet voice, I miss your beautiful smile, I miss that sparkle in your eye, I miss your warm touch, I miss your soft hair, I miss those heart warming conversations we had early in the morning. I miss your loving words that made everything right, I miss your kiss that made me forget how to breathe, but most of all I just miss YOU.
Why dont you laugh that special laught anymore? Where did that sweet voice of yours go? Why aren't you smiling that beautiful smile anymore? Why is your touch so cold? Where is all your soft hair? Why dont we talk in the morning anymore? Where did all those loving words go? I sit by your side all day and all night hoping you'll come back to me. I have a feeling your not coming back. I hold your cold hand as the tears stream down my face. Your eyes are so lifeless. Now I know your completely gone.
Why didn't I get to hear one last laugh? Why didn't I hear you voice one last time? Why didn't i see that smile one more time? Why cant I feel your warm touch anymore? Why dont I see that sparkle in your eyes? Why cant I play with your soft hair anymore? Why dont I get to talk to you anymore? Why cant you tell me loving words? Why cant you kiss me anymore? Why cant I get over you?
I shake my head coming back to reality. It's raining today. I think mother nature know you're gone too. I have to use an umberlla so I dont get wet. I dont if you hear the rain pounding on your coffin. As I finally come back to my senses, I notice they're putting you in the ground now. Not one tears falls from my eyes, but that's because I cant cry anymore. I try to picture you up there looking down on me...but all I can see is you laying in the hospital bed dieing...
Why I look around everyone's gone. Everything's gone. I'm stuck in some place and I see is white. Then I see you. The old you. The "you" that always smiled, laughed, talked, kissed...everything. You hold me in your warm arms while whipsering loveing things in my ear. Then you kiss me. You're smiling and laughing and your eyes are sparkling again. But then you disapper. Everything turns black. I sit there curled up in a ball scared and crying. Then I wake up. It takes me a minture to realize that all of that was a dream...
That's when I breakdown and cry. You have been long gone. Fore awhile now actually...but now it's all making sense to me. You're really gone forever. You're not coming back. Everything that happened was all real...even you dieing...
Good-bye my friend
Good-bye my love
Good-bye my dream
Good-bye my life
Good-bye my Jacob...
I will forever love you...
((I dont remember exactly how far back it was...all I remember is watching him die slowly each and every day. I wanted to believe he would make it and things would go back to normal...I wanted to believe that he was going to be ok...but deep down inside of me something told me that wasn't going to happen. That he was going to die...It's taken all this time to sink in that he's really gone; that he's never coming back. I think he died sometimes in march? I dont know...I haven't been counting days. I've barely been surviving day to day...he died from cancer. Even though he was said to only have 1 year to live when he was diagnosed...I was hoping for some kind of mircle to happen so he wouldn't have to go...but that's just how things work. he's gone and that's that. R.I.P. Jacob...I love you))
"Hoping you knew"
He's gone like the wind
He came and left so fast
Not having you here is as terrible as a sin
I really wish this could've last
I know you say you loved me
But you're the one who walked away
I just hope there's still a "we"
I want us to still be okay
Can we still be friends after this?
Or is that too much?
I'm not asking for a kiss
I'm not asking to be touched
I just want you to listen
And in turn I'll be there for you too
No more kissing
I just wish you knew...
((I cant tell him that I still want to be friends, so I wrote this. I had to get it out of my head. This is what came out of it. Hope you enjoy,))
 miroku fan 101 · Sat Aug 23, 2008 @ 12:09am · 0 Comments |
