One moment I'm fine, I have everything figured out and I accept what's happening. I'm calm and collected...nothing really bothering me. But the next moment...I'm falling to pieces...I just burst out in tears and I know why...I just wish I didn't break down like that. I thought I accepted it...but apparently my stupid heart wont let me as always...I'm not even making sense to myself anymore...and really I don't give a ******** at the moment...all I know is I'm giving up my dreams...and falling into reality...I hate it...I just want it all to be over...because seriously I don't think I can take much more of this
I'm starting to scare myself...I'm going back to how I was...and I never want to go back to that. Ever. I was the worst person I could ever think of...I cant remember that...I wont let it happen. Not again...I wont let myself fall back into that way of life. I wont let the true me take over...I just gotta keep on pretending...smile and pretend everything's alright...than it wont hurt so much...people wont worry...it'll be all better...I'm laughing...why? I don't know...maybe at how pitiful I am...how idiotic I'm being...I'm losing my god damn mind...if I even had any of my sanity left...
I just feel so hurt...lost...betrayed...and I don't even know why. It's not like this is a big deal or anything. He just said no big whoop...maybe it's because this brings back memories of him...reminds me of what happened. It's replaying in my head over and over again...I promised myself I would never let myself be hurt like that again...never be in that same situation...but here I am just a year later in the same ******** place...god why do I have to ******** everything up? I found my best friend...the love of my life and I go and mess it up in a blink of an eye...but that's typical of me...because I mess everything up don't I? haha and in a way I don't care...because I'm better off dead anyways...
It's been two days...and I'm already wishing I was dead...I think may be worse than last time...but maybe that's just because it's opening up old wounds and making them worse...I don't know why I'm reacting like this...I really don't...I should just be happy I know him...but no I have to go and want more...like always...why cant i just be happy with what I have for once in my life? now I might now even have that anymore...he might just be gone...and i think in a way him leaving would be for the best...no more of this overreacting b***h to mess him up...he wouldn't have to worry anymore...he could be happy...and than i could die without regret...without missing anything. of course I'd still miss him...want him back...but he wouldn't feel any pain so it wouldn't hurt as much...or maybe it would hurt more knowing he doesn't care...that he wouldn't miss me if i was gone...god I don't know anymore...I don't know what's wrong... I don't know why I'm thinking like this... I don't know anything...not one god damn thing...
I wish I could say I didn't care...but I would be lieing...but I lie about everything else...so why not lie about that to huh? so i don't care...haha I don't give a ******** I'm messed up...either I'm laughing manically, crying myself to death, or just sitting there trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me...but don't worry I cant get any more messed up by anyone else but myself...because there's nothing anyone can do that I haven't already done to myself...
~Anna~
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 miroku fan 101 · Fri Mar 27, 2009 @ 07:42pm · 0 Comments |
