DISCLAIMER: Yeah, I'm recapping. Originally my disclaimer was for those in the guild that hadn't managed to play zOMG because of the 104 error. Today, and though out the years to come, I'm going to be editing these entries so that non-zETAs can fully understand the humor. Of course, I aim to fix all the typos, as well.
So, it's my first time playing the game zOMG on the zETA. I joined as part of the “third wave” allowed into zETA at the time. Our purpose? To smash the servers. Erm, I meant flood the servers. Either way, they were damaged to the point where Gaia’s insurance rates would have skyrocketed afterward Maybe that’s the reason Gaia’s been making so many Evolving Items lately.
Anyways, the main problem with the game during this stress test on the servers was that practically no one got on in the first day. If memory serves, we broke several of the servers, and there were only three or so available at the time. If no servers were working, the users were shown the evil “104 ERROR.” This error, similar to the time out error that can be seen in the current game, would restart the process of logging into a server. After sitting through two hours of the 104 error, I managed to start my first zOMG experience.
Oh, and before I forget, there was breathing noise that we had to sit through while the server attempted to connect. It is the same panting noise heard when one is dangerously low on stamina/health. Gaia’s since changed the damned breathing noise on the screen, but it was bloody annoying to hear for hours on end.
Anyways, so I find myself on a train. It vaguely reminds me of Final Fantasy VII, however that could merely be proof I've played FFVII too many times. On this train, I meet the Gaian version of Exposistion!Man. His name is Frank, whom I strike up a charming conversation with. Please say you know that was sarcasm. After talking (he mentions an animated thing I've never heard of, I wonder if it‘s important? Nah, couldn‘t be) with him and learned to move, we notice the train is speeding up. Rather important detail, eh? I bet it‘s nothing. Either way I end up trying to find a way to slow the train down. This really could be Final Fantasy VII, actually. Trains, animation, exposition men that have the thinnest legs imaginable….
So, I brave the lag (there was intense lag, but that was only to be expected), and we made our way to the emergency break. Problem solved, right? Actually, since this is a game....the train goes faster. I‘m making a formal complaint to the train company when this is over. I s**t you not. So Exposition!Frank decides it would be best if I hot wire the train, break into the first car, and manually stop the train.
Isn't that illegal somewhere?
After Frank and I part our separate ways, I get to the box I need to hotwire, and...chaos. The connection is lost. I wait until I get into the server again, and had the joy of restarting the whole ordeal. Not so aggravating; I didn't get very far. Is there a way to save in zOMG? Yes? Good. What do you mean, this is closed beta, and it fails epically?
Moving on, I hot wire the box, and the Random Text God makes his/her first appearance in game. S/he tells me that the first car is the next car over. Thank the Random Text God I didn't pull the wrong wire! Literally! I was really worried about that. Especially since I’ve NEVER done ANY hot wiring in my life.
So...I turn on the breaks in the first car. There JUST SO happens to be station when the train actually stops. What are the odds? Shut up, I know a plot device when I see one. So I leave the train and talk to this NPC Barry, who just happens to be standing off to the side. Considering his convenient placement, I deduce that he is another exposition man. He's really...annoying, actually. He informs me I passed the new station, and that this one isn't in use anymore. The ********? Then why the hell is he there? Maybe he was stuck out in the old station because he annoyed his boss. Trust me, I know I'd do that to him, and I’ve only known him for a few minutes.
He informs me I was the only passenger on board the train. I tell him about Frank, and Barry throws a tantrum about it. Honestly, how old is this guy? He does say that if Frank was really on the train, Frank's getting his hide tanned for riding without a ticket. Well, Barry just redeemed himself a bit. Just a little though, the guy is still a good damn p***k.
So I have three possibilities for Frank's identity.
1) He just a plain old Exposistion!Man whom we'll never see again.
2) He's a wizard (or a noob) that somehow needed up on the train.
3) He's Lanzer or the Random Text God in disguise, and is an all powerful being.
I leave Barry to rot in the dust. Actually, he tells me to talk to Dani--another exposition character set a few yards away. So I head over to the best NCP I've seen yet. I mean it, she‘s that awesome, AND she‘s an exposition woman. However, connection is lost, and I don't get past one sentence with her. Damn.
I wait an hour (or so) before I can get back to the best NPC ever.
So I chat with Dani. We gossip about how stupid Barry is, and she offers to give me a ring. This shall hereby be known as a RING!!! It’s that damn magical. I have the choice of three, but only pay attention to the Slice 'N Dice RING!!! (also known as Mantis), and decide to grab it. Nothing is more fun then slicing up your enemies…with a ring. Oh, my bad, RING!!! Come to think of it, I should have seen if there was anything close to a boom stick RING!!!
Anyways, Dani tells me to go ballistic on a trashcan with my snazzy Slice ‘N Dice RING!!! I have a few qualms about this, but Dani assures me that legal matters don‘t exist in zOMG, and that we‘re going to blame on Barry afterward. Have I mentioned this is the best NPC ever?
Moving on, Random Text God tells me a bit more about the RINGS!!!--I more or less ignore his/her messages-- then s/he tells me to go talk to Dani again. Oh gladly, if it means we can make fun of Barry. Dani tells me to go kill things in the sewers, for some reason or another.
I take my rage out on what appears to be green hamsters and toilet plungers. Well, I say. The “Gramsters” are just a Grunnie knock-off, but the Pee Lungers make no sense to me. Seriously, when was the last time you lost your toilet plunger in the sewers? Now that Animated thing Frank was talking about makes sense! Except not.
During this I lose connection, AGAIN. Fortunately, I only have to wait a short while. I go back to mobbing random monsters. Odds are, I KSed everyone who happened to be there. Sorry, zETA buddies. Eventually I get bored of this, and I go Dani. She repeats the whole RING!!! monologue, for some odd reason. By the end, I have two Dice 'n Slice rings, and a BOOM ring (otherwise known as Solar Ring), and the Hot Feet Ring (the name is best left as is, unless I want to call it Athlete’s Foot. Which I totally do.) Dani also gives me the choice of getting a healing RING!!!, and I grab the first one without bothering to read much beyond the best description ever--"It heals a lot".
Another connection lost AGAIN at this point. Ya’ll know what's kind of funny? Even when the 104 error pops up, it still can load the server. At the time of this play through, zETA had most interesting glitch--when Dani offered you RINGS!!!, you could obtain all three options by clicking the bottom RING!!!
Anyways, Dani gives me this RING!!!, and sends me off to kill Gramsters. I get hopeless lost, and a mob of Gramsters decide to stalk me. Again, I'm really sorry if this caused any problems for anyone with me in the sewers at the time. I was a newb to the game, and I fully admit it. Also, I discover that I should have paid attention to the Random Text God, since I have no clue how to use Rage, or sticking to our little trend, RAGE!!! I head back to Dani and she gives me yet another RING!!!--I think it was a protection RING!!!?--and sends me off to talk to Barry. Barry's talk is short (THANK THE ZURG), and all he asks for is a favor: Make sure the Water Sluice Gates (I forgot what they were really called) are closed.
You can guess the error that happened here, can't you? Yup, I lost connection again! You get used to it, after a while. I'm in your zOMG, crashing your servers. pirate What's your thoughts, fellow zETA members, and dearest readers?
So, once I make it back to zOMG, I have my new quest. I go to all the valves and shut them. I also try to explore and some Greater Gramsters (hereby known as the Gramster Mafia) try to kill me. They nearly succeed, too. However, I prove myself champion by FINALLY figuring out the RAGE!!! After completing my tasks I hurry along back to the station--could I finally be saying goodbye to the exposition characters? I’ve learned everything, right? However I lose connection to the server. Again. This might be a blessing--as I’ve stated before I’m not a huge Barry fan.
…And this is the end of day one!
M3497109 Community Member 
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