Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I don’t know what I feel. The pain of something at my back. The shame twirling around my head. But I can’t put my finger on it...I don’t know how to stop it. He says, she says. It doesn’t make any sense anymore. I love him, I love her. But I can’t have either. For I feel unworthy of their love. Unworthy of their trust.
The dark feeling of worthlessness creates a dark hole in my mind. It continues to suck away my brightest thoughts and hopes. My Hopes of being forgiven and the senses of being wanted. But I can’t have them. For I am chained to my jealously and my greed. My everlasting worthlessness. No one carries the key to my shackles. My bounds of shame.
I slip away. My self going numb. The loud vibrations of soothing music that is being carried through my ears. My sweet surrender. My loving freedom. The beat of the tune carried though my thoughts long after it stops. But when the music stops, my personal hell comes back. Invading my naked mind. Perforating my voundrableness.
I often ask my self why? How can this be fair? But life is not fair. Not in the least. What do we live for? We live to die! Nothing more and nothing less. All I am a pawn in life’s little plan. Putting me to the test. Poking and prodding me until I break. Until I give in to the pressure. Until I can no longer wait until death. When I make time stop.
I sit and wait for absolution, but it never comes fast enough. No. I have to force my self to be numb so I can feel something. But I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. No one cares. No one sees. They all just stare at me. Pointing at me with their fat fingers and laugh. Laugh until the fall down. The unknown pain that I feel is in their blind spot. The blind spot that everyone hats to understand. Hates to look at. The pain that follows me constantly. Never letting me go.
What are friends for? Most think it’s funny to make jokes about problems, and they end up laughing at them selves. All I ask is it to stop. It’s the little things that build up and end up making the biggest wound. The deepest cut. But do you think they see? Do you think they see me seeping blood? No. They just point and laugh. Making fun of my flaws.
They never get what i'm trying to say.