Yes, so I finally replied to his post at the board. I feel like a weight's been lifted from my shoulders that I never saw possible. It wasn't a bad weight, just a guilt weight. I hate making people wait to hear from me. I knew how you feel now, Alex.
Why does everyone expect me to be this..thing? Well, a sort of thing that automatically gives love and asks nothing in return? Okay, so maybe it's true. I do kind of love unconditionally, but it kills me. When someone takes it in the wrong direction. Not too long ago, I had to push someone away because I'd just met them, and I need to let them know that I didn't love them back in the same way. No, it's not who you're thinking of. Not he, the one that leaves me comments of love and kitten kisses. It was another male, and soon after, he blocked me and told me I would never see him again.
It wasn't even my fault.
I don't ask to love anyone. I choose who I like to love. I choose who I want to avoid. You don't choose for me. Can you regret loving me? Can you really regret thinking that I would only love so many, that you'd become attached?
I feel pushed away now. I feel like you just loved me to feel something that wasn't capable of being. I usually want to know what's the matter, how you're doing, and if it's possible that I can be near you. Lately, of course, it's been the opposite. Opposing me and my thoughts with great force, I feel a sudden barrier. I feel like a doctor or some kind of weird scientist guy saying this. I must bore you.
I remember that day. When you talked me in to making journals. I'd been thinking about something like making a journal for quite some time, and it never really affected me that much that I made one. Until then. Somehow, something clicked that made me feel like I needed to. Like I was wanted to. What made it happen? It surely wasn't an action. Maybe a statement? Was I trying to impress this person? Show them I had a life? Obviously, I have one. But was it one they were so curious to learn more about?
Last week sometime, or maybe it was sometime this week, I watched a movie called Heaven. It was based around an area I think in Italy maybe. The way the movie ended spooked me, mainly because it was a sudden ending. Not a bad, heart racing ending, but a slow-motion, breath-taking ending. I wanted to cry. Then. There. At that very moment. The two main character, a woman and a man, both running together to overtake a helicopter to flee from the police because of a murder case. They took it, and flew. In to the distance, and then up. So high up, the speck of the helicopter was no longer visual to the human eye. It was so graceful, with such a rustic, deep feeling at the pit of my heart.
I couldn't bawl my eyes out, of course, because my mom was watching it with me. We were so engrossed with the movie that when she left the room to dash and answer the phone, as soon as she got back, she asked me what happened, all that she'd missed while my grandmother barraged her on the other end of the phone line.
I wonder if my life with end quickly, or of old age. I found that my thirst for Immortal Rain returned. After two whole years of nothing but steaming yaoi, this heterosexual relationship with always be my favorite. I never said I disliked women. In fact, I've had my share of real-life female crushes. Wouldn't you like to know?
As I snooped around for some scanlations of the first through eighth volumes, I only had time to download the first volume before my internet connection collapsed. Ironically, my family returned from my little brother's football game that took place around 12 am in the afternoon. Their team won 12 to 24, so it must've been a good game for his team. The connection soon returned after I took a break and watched a bit of Spongebob as I lounged around on the couch in the living room, napping subconsciously against the arm rest. I told you I've been really exhausted lately. I still haven't figured out why.
The first volume, even it being the first of the eight-part collection, was still so very deep and to the point of the story. I want to find the second volume tomorrow. I might not be on that much seeing as Monster House is airing on Cartoon Network, and I love that movie like I love my cheesecake, so it will NOT be missed. No sir!
My eyes are heavy, and my body is exhausted. I'm not sure how much I can take of this anymore, so if I just come up one day and type out a long-a** and terribly short journal about taking a break from Gaia, you will know. I assure you.
G'night.
View User's Journal
Realizations.
Right-o. You caught me. No, put down that tape-recorder! NO! DOWN, BOY! DOWN!
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