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walked out the door .. parents didnt even want to send me to get my hair cut .. so i walked .. slamed the door . and just walked they came 10 min later in the car but i was too angry to accept the lift .. i told both my parents * ******** off if u ******** want me to walk i will* waving the finger.. and just kept walking .. not the best day rainy and all i had on was 2 t shirts .. walked all the way to glenwaverly.. itz 60% dirt tracks
walked all the wai to bui's house.. adleast he understands .. a true deep friend he understands what happend he gave me a jacket and fed me .. havent had anything to eat since morning and it was nearing 9-10 spent the night out .. crying feeling angry and crying .. my parents on the phone .. asking me wetha they can pick me up
betcha dat was all a front .. *hang up * then my mum called could hear my father in the background telling her what to say * hang up* i was reali jumbled up.. to do whatz morraly correct ,dignigty , saddness , anger. spent the whole night out ..
had to put on a brave face .. but .. when bui had to go .. took 2 mins on the walk before it came out . walked back all the way in the rain .. wet and dark .. got to knox well around knox at 12 somthing .. walked around the back .. *knox closed so i couldnt walk trugh* and found my bench.. couldnt sleep just sat there .. thinking. running trugh senarios trugh my head .. looking up .. crying .. i just couldnt fight them back .. got those same feelings of being and knowing that im stupid and not worth s**t all .. *ran trugh how i could end it .. came up with a new one .. jumping into the pool with weights .. self bound .. the cold would put my body into shock and not be able to get out .. * the actual moment .. sucking in water instead of air . thought about being disowned ... thought about u ...
hey that would get rid of the commitment hu ..
looked at myself ... im reali .. alone when it comes down to it ..
sucks but that is what it is .. wen im kicked down like that therez onli 2 places i can reali go .. bui's and my cousins .. dono wetha u would be on there ..
id like to dream about it hope think wish but ... i dont reali think ud be there ...
if i walked 8km on a rainy day broken and hurt to urs would u fix me up and make it ok ? the short answa is no . sigh ... felt so cold that night .. want to die so bad ..
i just want to die .. i know if i look it with a cool head .. id still want the same coz .. aah the pos .. my life is a s**t box the sun came up on me .. ud be amased how quick it comes the change from darkness to day happens so quick u can see the change went home .. walked past my parents and just went to my room .. closed the door and slept .. didnt have a showa .. nothing .. hair all over my pillows but that was not my concern .. ran over it all again and again .. tears just came out ..
down my face and got absorbed by the pillow .. but i cried with consideration.. i didnt make a noise .. today .. started off ... hmm
my father wasnt there but my mother .. she dished it .. *im a faliure im stupid * therz so much more. she saiz it to my little brother but loud enough so i can hear .. i cried so much .. coz of that .. more tears .. even now typing it thinking about it.
she just keeps going .. knowing that im crying .. just keeps going .. saying how my attdue is ******** ...everything .. and .. aah *impulses to kill her , her betrayl , just feeling like a ******** .. i mean what she saiz .. not like it didnt carry no justification why would sombody say that ?.. i wait for the emotional attack when my father comes home .. tonight .. hmm tonight will be intresting .. * dont know when u will read this .. hmm ( my december - linkin park) my foot is cut .. walked .. so far.
i hate this life .