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mmk so.
today.
was.
boring.
yeah.
I finished reading Go Ask Alice.
Which by the way is an absolutely amazing book.
And it scared me.
And evoked such a strong feeling after I finished it. I felt the feeling, the kind of emptiness that I get whenever I have a wave of depression.
She died.
Just.... dead. Like that.
She had resolved to get better.
But... I wonder what happened.
I really do.
It's a shame she had decided to quit keeping a diary.
God I feel like crying.
She was put into a mental hospital.
Like I was.
And oh s**t, that scares me. Brings it all flooding back. So vividly. So very vividly.
The bedroom.
The piece of metal.
The gowns.
The dayroom.
How very similar the place she was at was to the one I was at.
The visits with the therapist.
The dreadful feeling of being locked in. With no way to escape. Being under a watchful eye 24/7.
And she was there for months! That must have been a longterm inpatient hospital.
I was only in for 8 days.
And I'd actually kinda like to go back.
I wonder who's there now?
They'd be sleeping, of course...
I wonder if anyone's being admitted.
I wonder if anyone from Carbondale will be admitted there.
Hm.
I'm not having dreams about it anymore.
I don't think I'm gonna continue that story I'm doing over the dream I had.
Over the psychotic kid who kills people that I crushed on.
With blue clothes. That liked pierrots. And porcelain dolls.
And he had blonde hair. The platinum blonde kind, that turns almost white in the summer. The kind that my mom had.
And very pale skin. Very, very pale.
But... he was psychotic. And he killed people. Or, I think he did. Maybe he just wanted to.
Maybe that appeared in the dream 'cause I said I wanted to kill people while I was in the hospital.
I still do.
I've got that anger... all balled up inside of me. Directed towards no one specifically, but just people in general.
Well heck.
I'm tired.
The tiredness is draining me of life and happiness and whatever emotion if any is left inside me.
Goodnight gaia.
I'll see you tomorrow.