Yesterday was one of the worst in my life.
I've been quite distracted because of my Japan trip which is tommorrow and the fact that I'll have to take every free time I can get to study on my own and not loose any learning.
Plus, I found out that a friend of mine died, and I felt upset during almost the whole day.
But the worst started at yesterday's morning.
I use a special pair of sports glasses so I can see well. I can't see things that are far and for stuff like football, it's hard if I can't see well. But yesterday, it seems that I have lost those glasses. I don't have any idea how I did and I can't even recollect what happened well. My best bet is that they're in school, which I'll have to find out tommorrow. They cost about 480 dollars.
I already felt terrible for loosing something like that, and then I told my dad...and that was my mistake.
Long story made short: Aside from feeling horrible, I had it shoved into my face by my dad. He was mad at me and said that I'm not responsible and I only pay attention to stuff that are fun to me. And I felt like being stabbed again. Because it's not true, but I can't fight back at him, I never did.
He only hit me and yelled at me once in my life. The hitting part was because I got lost in a mall when I was a little kid and the yelling was for another situation. But at neither of them I felt bad.
But when he reprimends me and starts showing that he's angry through his stares and actings, but still holds himself from hitting me or yelling at me, then I could say I have a similar feeling to the one of wanting to die. I feel nervous just thinking about it.
I let him have his way, because I simply can't say otherwise to him. He probably thinks I'm a nimwit that can't do things right because I don't think and aren't responsible. But it's because I'm afraid of the actions I do when I'm aorund him. I'm a person that has trouble with focusing and end up loosing track of memories or material stuff, even if I try hard not to. But that doesn't mean I don't care about them, it only means that I simply forget...
There's much more I could say about this part of my relation with my dad, and this will continue untill I can live independently of him. Don't try to motivate me to fight back, because I won't. Although my dad is a p***k, he's right for me loosing the glasses...I just wish he wouldn't shoot me about it so awfully.
I almost cried, which was a thing that hasn't happened in a long time. But I didn't in the end. And probably having an expression like I didn't care didn't help either about this...but that's a mode I go into right before I feel terribly depressed or angry, so I can say I never felt those two emotions in actuality.
I still feel like crying today, but I don't have the ability to.
In the end, he suddenly gave a small smile and hugged me saying it was alright. I know he's still sad because of what happened, but I felt more relieved...I still have a hard time facing him, even if I'm starting talking more happy like...
I wish I could simply say to him "I love you. I'm sorry..."
View User's Journal
The Journal. The Soyukaze. The Life.
*WARNING*
Viewing of this may cause epileptic attacks; heart attacks; sleep nausea; permanent change of gender; growth of extra body members and boringness.
 |
