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it's strange how the human mind works. at it's breaking point, if something pulls it back, it attaches to that like a lifeline and never wants to let go. Now what happens when that something is pulled away by force due to something that involves you? It is the absolute worst thing in the world. i have no doubt about that. event he mention of that something can push someone back to the brink. thoughts of it become the most painful thing imaginable, and yet, at the same time, it is all that can hold you from falling back to the point of suicide. by now i'm sure at least two people have guessed what i'm talking about. Kimi-kun. The only thing that truly matters to me. i began listening to the type of music i do now... because she knew it better than the type i used to listen to. i started taking karate more seriously... becuase i had sworn to protect her and in order to do that, i needed to become stronger. i began trying to let people get closer... because i wanted to be able to meet the people she considered friends, and when i got the chance, introduce her to my friends, who i had all but thrown away. i was at the point of suicide you know. You always hear about the guys who bring a gun to school and kill people right? i wanted to do that. one of the only things stopping me was my idea that i was better than these stupid fools who surround me and i would not stoop to their level. guns were their weapon, and i would not use it. (luckily, no one gave me a sword) the only one i let close was Kimi, because she was never there at the school to see me as i truly was. insane and ready to snap and kill people. Every time i think about her, i shut down completely and fall into a depressed state. 'i still failed. i can't see her. i can't take the wait.' sometimes, i get to be even worse off than i was back in Jr high. i spent half of yesterday sitting there writing poems about suicide and obsession. and that's just the word for it. obsessed. i can't go an hour without thinking about her. i lie there for hours, unable to sleep because all i can do is think about her. every day, when i get home and walk to into my room, i run to my bed, throwing a punch at the air and crying... well, not crying, but you get the picture. to me, nothing else matters. it's unhealthy how obsessed i am. i know that to be true. but that can't change it. i hate that i've fallen to such a pathetic state, and it get's harder and harder to hide it. if i can't get back to a calmer state, then i'll be just as bad off as i was before.

i realize all of you are going to probably want to talk to me about this, and i really can't do anything about that. it's just something i had to do. sorry everyone, looks like i've gone emo again emo