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Ever have one of those days where you feel like everything is falling down around you? Like if you make one more move or one more sound everything you know and have come to believe will fall to shambles at your feet? I feel so helpless and out of control. I have over the last year or so been trying t force myself to grow up. To feel like the mature responsable adult I should be. But no matter what I do I have this feeling that I'll get no where. Like my existnce is for nothing here. I have people say they need me, but they have no clue that it is them that I need. And I have family that say they love me, but they have no idea who I am. The person all of these people know doesn't exist. I put on my social face for them and pretend to be alright, but inside, instead of being the mature responsable adult I was talking about, there is a lost scared little girl that just doesn't want to be hurt anymore. I want to know what life is when it's truley lived. I want to learn how to not be afraid of my own voice... Hell, I want to find my own voice first. I'm so afraid of everything. Mostly of rejection from those I care about. I feel like everyone I love is slipping away from me. Like they're getting to a point where they don't want to be with me anymore. It hurts to feel this way, because I want to feel love. That's the root of my problem. I want to feel like someone loves me, not that someone loves what I do for them, or that someone loves what I say or proove about them. I want to know what it fels like for someone to say I'm their one and only. I want to have someone really care about me like that. I don't want to be bitter of all of the people around me who have that. I want to be happy for them. I truley envy them. I've tried it before, but nothing good could have come of those reationships. I'm so tired of feeling lonley. I'm sick and tired of hugging a pillow and pretending that my prince charming is there, then crying myself to sleep when I think I might never have that sort of happyness. Maybe I just need a good kick in the pants. I know that the people I care about aren't really forsaking me, I just feel so distant and out of the loop sometimes that doubt rears it's ugly head and makes mefeel sick inside. I just feel like my life is a car that someone else is driving right now, and I'm not really sure how to take controll of the wheel. Like a lost little girl who fades into the background. I hate that feeling. I just want t to go away.

Nemarie,
Kes