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For nearly two years now, I've been suicidal/emo but didn't really act like it. It was all just in my head. I didn't show it because I was scared to hurt myself and I just hurt myself mentally, not physically.

Suicide was a huge deal with me in Grade 9 mainly because of the car accident I got into which permanently damaged my heart. I had almost weekly chest pains and this is when I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn't because, like I said, I was scared to hurt myself. And I knew there were people out there with worse lives and my life compared to theirs was great, so I decided to live it for a little longer.

Grade 10 was all right. Lots of high school drama and fighting but it was ok. Gaia started factoring into my suicidal thoughts more because lots of my friends either quit or stopped talking to me. But, for some reason, it was ok. I didn't mind. For some reason, the suicidal thoughts left me last year for a bit even though my grades were heavily decreasing and I was put under heavy stress. I find that weird ...

This year started horribly. Gaia became about 50% of my life. Whatever happened on it effected me greatly. I was getting ignored, I got scammed twice, I was getting constant hate PMs from people about things I've said and it was just horrible. Add that to getting pregnant, having two heart attacks, getting shunned for my music taste and some more drama, I just decided to end it. Getting pregnant, to me, sealed my fate. I just couldn't handle it anymore, so I decided to quit.

To clear it up, there isn't anyone on Gaia who I specifically blame for my thoughts. So stop thinking you're the reason.

Also, this experience has made me bisexual (originally lesbian). Lots of guys have hurt me and I just wanted to stop dating them. There are lots of guys I've been linked to who I can't stop thinking about. Like Dr-Rawr, for instance. Even though I think he's a fukking bitchface, I really REALLY miss talking to him.

Also, the baby is dead. I had an abortion. And I don't want to talk more about it.

So stop asking me all this stuff. I would like to forget this and continue where I left off before I got pregnant.

Thankssz.
<3