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I don't know what to feel right now. Even though he says it's not a situation to cry about, I have tears flowing down my eyes. Shaking my head and feeling disgusted about the rude things he thinks and speaks of me. He says I constantly ask him for stuff. Over and over again. Well he never thought, he was my first source to go to and I really don't have another. He was suppose to be like my brother, but in my head I only think of him as a stranger now. Anger turns my face to stone; I have nothing to say about this specific manner. He was suppose to be my best friend, yet he pointed me out like I was his worse enemy. He was suppose to be someone I could depend on, but I guess he don't want to be that someone anymore. --
He says he forgiven me for so many things...so many things, yet I can't list more than 5 beyond my fingers. He says he haven't done anything truly wrong, but that's his belief in his heart. I differ from him. He hurt me so much through this relationship, I can't translate it to words. And even though all the suffering he put me through since last July, this must be the worse of them all. My heart drops to the pits of my stomache... --
I don't want to change my ways, so we can be friends again. I don't want him to change his ways so it can be. If we were to remain friends, we couldn't view each other the same anyways. Then again, I don't want us to become nothing and be.. i don't know towards each other. Like now, I don't see him as the brother to lend on when I need help, the friend that, would by the slightest, understand me.. even when I'm speaking jibberish, or
the being that would be there for a outkast like I. --
He claims if any other person was in the position he was in, they would've left me a long time ago. He says he would've turn his back away from me and forget what kind of friend I was. I dearly believe he think I'm such a rotten friend...He doesn't look at me the same, as he so says. What do I look like then, my friend? Some monster to you? Some kind of traitor to you? Some kind of mistake you put in your life?
I want to know.
---
He says the way he said was the nicest way he could put it... to me, it was the coldest way or thing I heard in my entire existence. I feel so awful, if I was to stand.. I would shedder to the ground below me and cry a reprica of the Mississippi River. I feel so ashamed of myself and so outrage by him, my name as well as his name taste flat on my tongue.
I'm truly feeling in a sick mood. When the person that know me best says they can no take me anymore.. I feel abandon. It does not matter if they want to want me back, that statment claimed shall forever stay in my mind.
I'm unwanted. Not a good, perfect friend for I get angry for such little things.. for he remains calm from there to the biggest. I'm childish...and naive.
Yet I could be lying to myself.. because I don't know what to think..I'm having mix emotions. Salt remains on my cheeks as one by one more tears flow down.
What am I?
 The Marvelous Artist · Tue Feb 17, 2009 @ 08:48am · 0 Comments |
