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Life is nothing but frustrating right now. I don't know when I let myself get so weak, but somehow, everything that I blocked from being able to get under my skin is worming its way in with little effort now.

I want to feel important. I want to feel good at something. I want to feel like I'm doing something productive with my life, even though I'm just fooling myself, and I know that I'm not. When you get told every day by the people closest to you that you're lazy, can't do anything, won't do anything, and all that, it starts to get to you.

Especially when it's true.

Yeah, I know. I start things and never finish them a lot. I get overwhelmed easily. I feel defeated easily. If I can't think of a solution right away, then subconsciously I just decide that I should avoid trying to do it, so that I can avoid failure. It's a habit that I've had for my entire life... Avoidance.

I've ruined lots of relationships by backing out due to fear.
I've lost a lot of opportunities by backing out due to fear.
I've quit a lot of things I wanted by backing out due to fear.
I'm not going to go anywhere in life because I'm scared.

Generally speaking, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm expendable. I don't mean to people, but to society itself. No one will help me, no one will listen to me, I have no one to talk to about these things because I make it that way. I don't want people to know my weaknesses. I don't want people to know what they can say about me to really bring me down and hurt me. I'm low enough as it is, and it just feels like every day is a desperate attempt to claw my way out of a hole that I've just dug for myself.

In a way, this is the aspect of my life that I'm weakest in. People tell me I'm strong, and I just snort at them. Yeah right. I let them think I'm strong. You know why I seem like I'm so strong, like I never get upset or mad? Because I started avoiding things that would stress me out. I started avoiding people that upset me. I do all of these things and it doesn't do a damn of good.

I need to man up and take control of my life. I don't think I'm strong enough to. I don't know what to do with myself when the people that I'm closest to start saying the same things that my mother, father, family, teachers say to me... It hits me hard and I just back out and run away.

I shouldn't let things bother me like this. I'll probably delete this journal sometime, like I always do with these stupid ******** emoBAAAAW pieces of s**t.

ASFJEWJGIJGRIHJRH.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.