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I don't really know the words to say... I love you and somehow hate you all at the same time. I've given you my heart and my soul, and it always seems that there's something else that comes up that almost destroys our relationship. I've forgiven you twice for really stupid s**t you've done, and I want to forgive you again the next time something happens, because I feel like no matter what, something WILL happen... But I know that I won't be able to forgive you at all. I just wish that there was some way I could put into words how I feel about you... When you're all the way over there, I'm always questioning what you're doing. I'm always wondering what's going on and I can't know. I won't know. But, when you were here, I had no doubt in my mind that everything was fine because you would be able to hold me and tell me that it's fine. I don't have that luxury anymore with you. I don't know how to feel about that... I miss you terribly... And you say "I need to be out there now" and "I'm making it my goal to be out there by the end of the year"... It's a great goal for someone who doesn't work minimum wage at Party City. I mean, I'm excited you have a job and I plan on helping you as much as I can with the money I get from my job, but I dunno what else to do other than that and tell you that I love you. You keep asking "what can I do to earn your trust back?". I always tell you that I don't know and it's the truth. I can't just say "do this and all is forgiven" because I know was there will still be there. I know that I can't get mad at you for something I saw from before we met, but the fact that you still have that stuff from three years ago... The fact that for so long, you were telling me that I had nothing to worry about. Well, I did, as we both know. That was ******** two, after the whole, you know, not speaking to me for ******** 6 months. Whenever I walk around campus, I see all the places that we were together. Even sitting here in the living room is painful because of the fact that we spent so much time on the sofa together. I kind of hope I live in this room again next semester, because I don't want to leave behind the memories that are here. I hold them so close to me now because it was so many firsts for the both of us together... It was the first time I've felt so comfortable with someone... Which is such a weird thing for me. I knew that you didn't care about how I looked, or what my room looked like, or what clothes I wore... I knew that you were just there with me to be there with me... Now I just sit in my room and wonder what you're doing. how you're doing... I just... I don't know what to do anymore about you. I love you for everything you've done for me but hate you for everything you've done to me... Mostly the former.
 The_Martyr · Sat May 09, 2009 @ 11:36pm · 2 Comments |
