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i finally made the most important realization.
nathan never cared about me. i lied to myself. i told myself that underneath everything he was caring, kind, and that he cared about me, but he doesn't and he isn't.
he hurt me, he used me, he took advantage of me, he broke my heart, and he...he...broke my trust and all my belief in him.
i will not forgive him for how he treated me. he's a heartless a*****e, and i don't care what anyone has to say about it.

Nathan may not have a heart, but I have forgiven him, because I'm a forgiving person.
That's not to say that I'll ever go back to him.
If I do, break my neck. I swear.