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**AUDIO**
*seated outside Valentyne's crypt, contemplating a pebble about six inches from her left shoe*
I have a lot on my mind........but it's nothing I can tell anyone about.
I feel a little better knowing that Squirrel and Tell and Dess still want me around now that-....now that things are different. It's nice to know that I'll always have a home with them..........even if they haven't spoken more than ten words to me since vaulderie. Guess we're all stil grieving in our own ways. I know I am.........
And now Kiba's all mad at me. I know she wants to help me, but she just doesn't understand....I need to do something to bring some closure to this because right now with how things are, I can't move on. I know it's a risk but I was raised in a temple. I know a thing or two about mediums, how they operate, the tricks they pull, and I can recognise 'em a mile away. This Marcello guy seems pretty genuine and if he can help me, if he can help Bryce.....then it's more than worth a chance.
Doesn't really stop me from feeling lousy though. Once again, I've failed to save someone I love because I wasn't there when they needed me most.
I'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth falling in love anymore. Things didn't work out the first time, which I guess is to be expected, given all the s**t that went down while we were together.
But with Bryce.....it was different.......
With him, I really felt like....like I was worth something, like I was stronger than whatever life could possibly throw at me, like I was.....special. It's one thing to have someone comfort you after an ordeal and tell you it'll be all right, secure in the innocence of their own lack of experience. It's a thousand times more powerful to have someone comfort you and tell you it's all right...and know exactly what you've been through because they've gone through it themselves. Somehow....it means more.
I know it just started out as me wanting to help him because, let's face it, I thought he was cute and the guy got me off just by biting my neck. But after that night by the lake, when he told me about his sire....I forgot all that stuff and started really wanting to make him feel better. And by helping him, somehow I was also helping myself. We were coping together and that forged a little bond between us. Kindred spirits and all that.
And then somewhere along the way......I fell for him.
I wasn't expecting that. I certainly didn't plan on it, even when I was sleeping next to him. Then that night at Stigmata....when I saw him biting that Goth chick....his eyes just....it was like they would burn right through me. I felt like I was Little Blue Riding Hood, cornered by the Big Bad Wolf......only I wasn't afraid. If anything, I wanted him to eat me up. *wry chuckle* Which is pretty much exactly what he then proceeded to do.........
It didn't take long for me to really truly love him. What took half of forever was admitting it, to myself and to him. I was just so afraid that telling him would be like....like a curse or something. That if I let him know out loud how much he meant to me that he'd disappear....or worse.
And wouldn't you know it, not even a week later.......
And now.......I feel so lost. I don't know what to think or what to do without having him there to rely on. I can barely sleep, I have no appetite for anything, and I cry every single day. All I want is for him to hold me and tell me everything's going to be all right.
*tears well in her eyes* But it's not all right....it'll never be all right again.........
*looks up, addressing the cold distant stars* Koi.......I miss you. What am I gonna do without you? I don't have anyone to talk to now....no one to snuggle with when I'm feeling sad....no one to say cheesy things to make me smile....no one to love me.....
............................. *puts her head down on folded arms and begins to cry softly*
Aoi Tsukai · Sun Nov 21, 2004 @ 01:03am · 0 Comments |
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