|
|
|
Things have officially gotten strange. Duessa showed up at the bar tonight missing a hand, said she had a run-in with some Camarilla asslicker named Warren and some Prince that wants her to stand for an Accounting. (Have butterflied Ashley re. this matter.) She was pretty messed up. I've never seen her cry like that and quite frankly it kinda scared me. So, somewhat against my better judgement, I brought her back home with me.
She's sleeping now....well, unconscious, but at least she's resting a little. No idea where Tell or the pets are, still making attempts to locate them at present. I'm fairly certain the little Italian ******** is just fine (when isn't he) but I worry for Sin and Frankie. If anything happened to them, it would just break Dess's heart. And she's had all the stress she can handle this week.
It feels strange to have her sleeping in the spare room of the apartment, to say the least. Almost like things have come full circle, but not quite. So much has changed, so much is different now.
I know Dess hates me....and really she has every right to. It's my fault that Bryce was tethered, my fault that Valentyne is dead, and it was my fight with the Spirals that ended up getting the Haven burned down, not to mention that whole fiasco with David, and Kou trying to rip Tell's head off. She probably thinks I'm a selfish arrogant whore and I don't blame her one bit.
But I still want to help her.
Maybe it's my instinctive need to protect. Maybe it's because she reminds me of Kourin. Maybe it's because I'm an idiot. Maybe all three.
The only thing I know for sure is that before he died, Bryce wanted us to take the vaulderie together. He wanted us to be family. Even though that bond is broken, Tell and Duessa and yes even that murdering b***h Squirrel are still important to me.....and I want to protect them.
I think.....it's what he would have wanted.
 Aoi Tsukai · Thu Apr 07, 2005 @ 06:41am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
The World is Changed..... |
|
|
|
|
|
|
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
What a load of crap.
Ever since we came here, Kiba and I have been steadily growing further and further apart. I feel it, I see it, everything tells me that nothing between us is the same.
Well, naturally, I know I can't expect EVERYTHING to be the same as when we were younger. She's grown into her Alpha status and damnit, I'm a blood-sucking corpse. Things have CHANGED.
And I'm losing the best friend I've ever had, the one person who's been there for me my whole life, because of it.
I have to admit, I'm jealous of her. No really, I am. Look at her. She has everything we ever dreamed of when we were growing up. A loving husband, six adorable little munchkins, a permanent home where she and Kou can raise their little ones and live out their days in comfort and security.
While I......
I whored myself on the streets to get enough money to run away from the place where I was born. I slept on a couch in a bar for the better part of a year after I managed to get myself Embraced. (Nice going there, Tsukai. Brilliant.) I've been ******** up and ******** over more times than I can count, mostly because of my own stupidity, I can never have children, I can never have a place to call home for the rest of my life or a spouse or a family or anything permanent because I never know when it might all be burnt to a smouldering shell.......
*a teardrop blots the page*
It's not fair......
Hello Darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again.....
Aoi Tsukai · Mon Mar 07, 2005 @ 08:06am · 2 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
*the page is very much indicative of her state of mind: little scribbles and drawings cover the margins and there are small dots where she's tapped her pen on the paper during though in several places*
December. Almost a month since....... *sentence left unfinished*
Let David screw me again the other day. Feeling guilty over the whole thing. Starting to wonder if he's only doing me because he feels sorry for me. Starting to wonder if I'll ever feel anything again.....
Moved into new flat, David is roomie. Bandmate, flatmate....bedmate. But not MATE mate. I mean, he's nice enough and I know he'd do just about anything for me.....sometimes I think I'm kinda like the Liz to his Hellboy.....but I can't feel anything right now. Not love, not hate, not anything. The only time I come close to feeling something is when I'm with someone. In the Biblical sense.
Can't sleep alone at all anymore. Nightmares getting worse, and more frequent. Starting to nod off when I'm awake, seeing things in fire....seeing *scribbled out*
Saw Tell and Dess last night at the Bar. Tell's still mad at me. *frowny face* Hurt more than I expected it to.
*entry ends rather abruptly as the stream of thought ebbs*
Aoi Tsukai · Wed Dec 08, 2004 @ 01:08am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
**AUDIO**
*seated outside Valentyne's crypt, contemplating a pebble about six inches from her left shoe*
I have a lot on my mind........but it's nothing I can tell anyone about.
I feel a little better knowing that Squirrel and Tell and Dess still want me around now that-....now that things are different. It's nice to know that I'll always have a home with them..........even if they haven't spoken more than ten words to me since vaulderie. Guess we're all stil grieving in our own ways. I know I am.........
And now Kiba's all mad at me. I know she wants to help me, but she just doesn't understand....I need to do something to bring some closure to this because right now with how things are, I can't move on. I know it's a risk but I was raised in a temple. I know a thing or two about mediums, how they operate, the tricks they pull, and I can recognise 'em a mile away. This Marcello guy seems pretty genuine and if he can help me, if he can help Bryce.....then it's more than worth a chance.
Doesn't really stop me from feeling lousy though. Once again, I've failed to save someone I love because I wasn't there when they needed me most.
I'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth falling in love anymore. Things didn't work out the first time, which I guess is to be expected, given all the s**t that went down while we were together.
But with Bryce.....it was different.......
With him, I really felt like....like I was worth something, like I was stronger than whatever life could possibly throw at me, like I was.....special. It's one thing to have someone comfort you after an ordeal and tell you it'll be all right, secure in the innocence of their own lack of experience. It's a thousand times more powerful to have someone comfort you and tell you it's all right...and know exactly what you've been through because they've gone through it themselves. Somehow....it means more.
I know it just started out as me wanting to help him because, let's face it, I thought he was cute and the guy got me off just by biting my neck. But after that night by the lake, when he told me about his sire....I forgot all that stuff and started really wanting to make him feel better. And by helping him, somehow I was also helping myself. We were coping together and that forged a little bond between us. Kindred spirits and all that.
And then somewhere along the way......I fell for him.
I wasn't expecting that. I certainly didn't plan on it, even when I was sleeping next to him. Then that night at Stigmata....when I saw him biting that Goth chick....his eyes just....it was like they would burn right through me. I felt like I was Little Blue Riding Hood, cornered by the Big Bad Wolf......only I wasn't afraid. If anything, I wanted him to eat me up. *wry chuckle* Which is pretty much exactly what he then proceeded to do.........
It didn't take long for me to really truly love him. What took half of forever was admitting it, to myself and to him. I was just so afraid that telling him would be like....like a curse or something. That if I let him know out loud how much he meant to me that he'd disappear....or worse.
And wouldn't you know it, not even a week later.......
And now.......I feel so lost. I don't know what to think or what to do without having him there to rely on. I can barely sleep, I have no appetite for anything, and I cry every single day. All I want is for him to hold me and tell me everything's going to be all right.
*tears well in her eyes* But it's not all right....it'll never be all right again.........
*looks up, addressing the cold distant stars* Koi.......I miss you. What am I gonna do without you? I don't have anyone to talk to now....no one to snuggle with when I'm feeling sad....no one to say cheesy things to make me smile....no one to love me.....
............................. *puts her head down on folded arms and begins to cry softly*
Aoi Tsukai · Sun Nov 21, 2004 @ 01:03am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
