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BRICK!!!:

I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years from now, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48, or what some people call mentally retarded.

(riding a bear) Hey, Ron! I'm riding a big furry tractor!

I ate a big red candle.

(sees Veronica in Ron's place) ....... You're not Ron.

(after drinking coffee) Mmm, I just burnt my tongue.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'ER YELLING ABOUT!!!

LOUD NOISES!!!

I love carpet. I love desk. ("Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and then saying that you love them?)...I love lamp.. I love lamp!

[opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere that their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation.

Oh, sorry, Champ... I think I ate your Chocolate Squirrel

Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the...toilet...store?

Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!

I stabbed a man in the heart!

I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party. [...] The party, uh.. the party with pants. ("Brick are you trying to say that there's a party in your pants and I'm invited?)..Ah, that's it! ("Did Brian put you up to this?" wink No..Yes, yes he did. (No, Brick, I will not attend a party in your pants." wink Very well then...Ian? Would you like to come to a party in my pants?

[When Ron asks, "Where did you get that hand grenade from, Brick?"] ...I don't know.

[Whispering] I'm Brian Fantana.

I ate a whole lot of fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like that man said... my stomach's itchy.

I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava.

I pooped a tape recorder.

I pooped a Cornish game hen.

I pooped a hammer.

When there's weather to report, I report the weather.

[at the zoo reporting about a baby panda being born] This is Brick Tamland reporting. It is sunny out and the bears are fluffy. Just how fluffy remains to be seen. Behind me is the miracle of birth. Soon, a stork will fly overhead, delivering a baby panda. Let me see if I can get a look at what's going on. [looks through the crowd, and starts whimpering] No! I don't understand!


RON!!!:

[when asked "what do you love?"] I love poetry. And a good glass of scotch. And of course, my friend Baxter here.

What is this? Amateur hour?!

[while warming up before the news] Unique New York. Unique New York.

[while warming up before the news] The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.

[while warming up before the news] The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.

[while warming up before the news] The skeleton took a shower. The skeleton ran out of shampoo in the shower.

[while warming up before the news] How now, brown cow? How now, brown cow?

[while examining his make-up job] AUDREY! Get in here, I look like hell!

I've got bags under my eyes! [To Audrey off camera] What's that?

Well, if you were a man, I'd punch you. I'd punch you right in the mouth. This is bush. Bush league!

[while warming up before the news] Thirty seconds? We're on in 30 seconds? We're on air now? I don't believe you. [Lights a cigarette]

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed a urgent and horrifying news story, and I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!

I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

[looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey, everyone! Come and see how good I look!

I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly.

[trying to woo Veronica the first time] Hello. I couldn't help but notice you from across the party, and... I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have... an absolutely breathtaking hiney. I mean that thing is good. I wanna be friends with it. [...] Do you know who I am? [...] I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal. [...] People know me. [...] Um...I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany...I'm...friends with Merlin Olsen, too, he comes over...on occasion.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904 they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a "whale's v****a."

[yelling at Veronica] What? You read my news? [...] I thought it was a joke. I thought it was funny. I even wrote it down in my diary and laughed at it that night. "Veronica had a very funny joke today." [...]

We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you-you scorpion woman!

I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego. [repeated line]

I'm Ron Burgundy. Go ******** yourselves, San Diego.

I'm Ron Burgundy?

[talking to Baxter, his dog] Come again? You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please. What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Hey I'm not even mad. That's amazing.

[to Baxter] You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. Like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.

The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show [kisses his biceps] and see if she likes the goods.

It truly is beauty and the beast... and a handsome beast at that.

If you want to throw down in fisticuffs, fine, I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waitin' for ya...right here!

When in Rome......

I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself thrust into the middle of vicious cockfight.

[talking to Veronica in his room] I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady [...] Wait, wait, stop that. I can't understand what you're
saying. [...] Oh, we're going!

I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

Ooh, a formidable scent. It's quite pungent. It...it stings the nostrils. [...] Brian, to be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.

It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice...

Knights of Columbus, that hurt!

By the beard of Zeus!

Great Odin's raven!

Son of a bee sting!

Is that you, Baxter? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?!

[after jumping into the kodiak bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision!

[after the rest of the team state their opposition to his dating Veronica Corningstone] I know that one day we will be married on top of a mountain, and there will to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh......... herbs. And we will dance... until the sun rises! And then our children will form a family band, and we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited!

[singing] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town, because you are my little gentleman. [stops singing]

Mmm, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling. [throws burrito out the window, where it hits a man on a motorcycle]

[singing in the bar] Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Phhtt. I make fart noises with my mouth. Phhtt. Phhtt.

Oops... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it, fellas. Veronica and
I trying this new fad called, uh, jogging. I believe it's 'jogging' or 'yogging,' it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time! It's supposed to be wild.

You woke the bears! Why did you do that?

[shouting] NEWS TEAM! ASSEMBLE!

[to Veronica] You're a smelly pirate hooker. [...] Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

I am a man! I am an ANCHORman! [...] I'm a man who invented the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

You b***h!!

You've got a dirty, whorish mouth, that's what you have.

[From inside the telephone booth] "I am in a glass case of emotion!"

Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe!

By the Fishing Skills of Paul Ferguson!

Hot pot of coffee!

Sweet grandmother's spatula!

Saint Damien's beard!

By the beard of Zeus!

By the Hammer of Thor!

Spider-Man's balls, that hurt!

I'm going to shoot you with a BB gun. In the, back of the head.

Sweet Lincoln's mullet.


BRIAN!!!:

I know what you're thinking. And the answer is yes, I do have a nickname for my p***s. It's called The Octagon. But I've also nicknamed my testes. The left one is James Westfall, and the right one is Dr.

Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, you might just get to meet the whole gang.

I am hung...over.

I'm very aroused.

PANDA WATCH!

[after Brick talks about bears] Oh that's just great! You hear that, Ed? BEARS! Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
Excusez-moi, Numero two!

[unveiling the Sex Panther] No, she gets a special cologne... It's called

Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. [...] They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

Listen to Burgundy! He's gone soft on us, like some school boy b***h.

[when Veronica gags at his perfume and asks what the smell is] That's the smell of desire, m'lady. [once she describes it] Well... desire smells like that to some people!

[having heard a passer-by insult his Sex Panther cologne]...The mood is tense, Fantana!