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INT. KRISTEN'S BEDROOM

KRISTEN wakes up to find ROBERT watching her sleep.

KRISTEN STEWART

Holy ******** s**t! If you weren't so hot I'd have you arrested! How long have you been doing this?

ROBERT PATTINSON

2 months.

KRISTEN STEWART

But I've only lived here one month according to the script.

ROBERT PATTINSN

Yeah, the script was written in six weeks. Don't get hung up on s**t like that.

KRISTEN STEWART

Oh. Well, as long as you're here I guess we could have sex.

ROBERT PATTINSON

No, I can't have sex with you! I'd be unable to control myself! I'd bite you and turn you into a vampire! Also I ejaculate boiling venom, so I'd need to wear like fifty condoms.

KRISTEN STEWART

Wait, we can't have sex at all, and you can't suck my blood? How can you make a vampire movie without anyone sucking blood?

ROBERT PATTINSON

It's alright, I think this movie already has more than enough sucking.

INT. BILLY BURKE'S HOUSE

BILLY BURKE is cleaning his gun and drinking a beer while listening to country music.

KRISTEN STEWART

Dad, my boyfriend is coming over to pick me up. Try not to get dork all over him.

BILLY BURKE

Okay, let me meet him after the movie makes the film industry's ten billionth joke about protective fathers disliking boyfriends.

KRISTEN STEWART

Alright. Oh, and also: He's a 100-year-old vampire, don't say anything racist about vampires, okay?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Hello, sir. It's a pleasure to meet you, Kristen has said absolutely nothing about you because you're so lame.

BILLY BURKE

So I hear you're a 100-years-old. And interested in my 17-year-old daughter. So, mathematically that's like, what, a 40-year-old dating a 6-year-old?

ROBERT PATTINSON

Ummmmmmmm...

BILLY BURKE

Yeah, so my friend Chris Hansen would like you to have a seat right over here.

KRISTEN STEWART

Dad, you're embarrassing me almost as much as my acting! I'm just going over to his house to have dinner with his family, I'll be back before 11. Unless the ravenous vampires murder me, of course.

BILLY BURKE

Alright, just bring this pepper spray with you. It's literally the very least I can do to offer it to my teenage daughter.

KRISTEN STEWART

Daaaaad! Stop being such a loser, I don't need this!

BILLY BURKE

Really? Weren't you almost raped by four guys earlier in the movie?

KRISTEN STEWART

Yeah but I have a BOYFRIEND now, which means I no longer have to be independent or physically capable of doing anything on my own. GOD!

ROBERT and KRISTEN go to visit ROBERT'S FAMILY MANSION in the middle of the woods, because of course the FANTASY MALE should be rich, too.