KRISTEN meets ROBERT'S VAMPIRE FAMILY.
KRISTEN STEWART
Jesus, this place is paler than an Anne Rice book signing event. At least it doesn't smell as bad.
PETER FACINELLI
Welcome to our ridiculously expensive home. I'm the father figure of this family because I'm the one who turned them all into vampires. There's something disturbing about the idea that I've only turned teenagers into vampires, but let's ignore that.
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow, you guys are so close. What keeps this family together so well?
PETER FACINELLI
Funny you should ask. Let me tell you about Count Joseph Von Smith. One day a vampire named Moronula appeared to him and told him to find these golden stakes buried in a coffin...
NIKKI REED
Knock it off, dad. So, Kristen, there must be something really special about you for Robert to take such a liking to you and risk the lives of his entire family. Tell us about yourself.
KRISTEN STEWART
Me? Oh, no. I'm just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever.
NIKKI REED
Oh. Well what do you like to do for fun?
KRISTEN STEWART
Mostly smoke pot on my porch in front of the paparazzi. What about you guys?
PETER FACINELLI
Vampire baseball.
KRISTEN STEWART
Ha ha, no seriously.
PETER FACINELLI
Really. Vampire baseball. We even have uniforms. Want to come watch us play?
KRISTEN STEWART
Actually, as it happens, the very last thing on Earth I or any other sane person would want to watch is vampire baseball, but go ahead.
Jesus, this place is paler than an Anne Rice book signing event. At least it doesn't smell as bad.
PETER FACINELLI
Welcome to our ridiculously expensive home. I'm the father figure of this family because I'm the one who turned them all into vampires. There's something disturbing about the idea that I've only turned teenagers into vampires, but let's ignore that.
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow, you guys are so close. What keeps this family together so well?
PETER FACINELLI
Funny you should ask. Let me tell you about Count Joseph Von Smith. One day a vampire named Moronula appeared to him and told him to find these golden stakes buried in a coffin...
NIKKI REED
Knock it off, dad. So, Kristen, there must be something really special about you for Robert to take such a liking to you and risk the lives of his entire family. Tell us about yourself.
KRISTEN STEWART
Me? Oh, no. I'm just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever.
NIKKI REED
Oh. Well what do you like to do for fun?
KRISTEN STEWART
Mostly smoke pot on my porch in front of the paparazzi. What about you guys?
PETER FACINELLI
Vampire baseball.
KRISTEN STEWART
Ha ha, no seriously.
PETER FACINELLI
Really. Vampire baseball. We even have uniforms. Want to come watch us play?
KRISTEN STEWART
Actually, as it happens, the very last thing on Earth I or any other sane person would want to watch is vampire baseball, but go ahead.
They play vampire baseball, which looks exactly as stupid as it sounds to all of the males in the audience. The game attracts the attention of some EVIL VAMPIRES, who actually do the type of s**t vampires are supposed to, like ******** kill boring humans. One of them, CAM GIGANDET, notices KRISTEN.
CAM GIGANDET
Oh man, that looks great, are you gonna finish that?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Stay away from her or my family will have to kill you. Specifically, we'll have to hiss at you like fifth graders pretending to be Dracula, and then kill you.
CAM GIGANDET
Murder, eh? That's one hell of a family activity. My family usually just plays Scrabble.
PETER FACINELLI
The family that slays together, stays together.
Oh man, that looks great, are you gonna finish that?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Stay away from her or my family will have to kill you. Specifically, we'll have to hiss at you like fifth graders pretending to be Dracula, and then kill you.
CAM GIGANDET
Murder, eh? That's one hell of a family activity. My family usually just plays Scrabble.
PETER FACINELLI
The family that slays together, stays together.
CAM tries to eat KRISTEN, a poorly directed action sequence ensues, and eventually he is defeated.
PETER FACINELLI
Kristen's been bitten! She'll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can't do it for some reason or another.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?
PETER FACINELLI
Look, all I know is that even though it's going to be REALLY HARD, you're just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.
Kristen's been bitten! She'll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can't do it for some reason or another.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?
PETER FACINELLI
Look, all I know is that even though it's going to be REALLY HARD, you're just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.
He DOES. It's very DISSATISFYING.
INT. HOSPITAL
KRISTEN wakes up in the hospital, and ROBERT wakes up after her.
KRISTEN STEWART
I thought vampires never slept.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Script. Six weeks. Remember?
KRISTEN STEWART
Right. Well, thanks for saving my life after endangering it by inviting me into your dangerous world. Let's go to the prom together.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Actually, I think it would be better if we broke up. To keep you safe.
KRISTEN STEWART
From vampires?
ROBERT PATTINSON
No, from being typecast forever after this series is done. I'm screwed, but it's not too late for you.
KRISTEN STEWART
No. No, you can't ever leave me. Never. No matter what. We must be together forever and ever and ever.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Holy s**t, you're a clingy psychotic b***h. Maybe we have a realistic high school relationship after all.
I thought vampires never slept.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Script. Six weeks. Remember?
KRISTEN STEWART
Right. Well, thanks for saving my life after endangering it by inviting me into your dangerous world. Let's go to the prom together.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Actually, I think it would be better if we broke up. To keep you safe.
KRISTEN STEWART
From vampires?
ROBERT PATTINSON
No, from being typecast forever after this series is done. I'm screwed, but it's not too late for you.
KRISTEN STEWART
No. No, you can't ever leave me. Never. No matter what. We must be together forever and ever and ever.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Holy s**t, you're a clingy psychotic b***h. Maybe we have a realistic high school relationship after all.
They stay together and go to the PROM.
KRISTEN STEWART
I want you to make me a vampire so that I can be with you, even if it means sacrificing my own life as a mortal.
ROBERT PATTINSON
So, the next generation of young women are currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.
KRISTEN STEWART
I love you. Put a baby in me.
ROBERT PATTINSON
At least the other three books can't possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.
They ARE.
END
I want you to make me a vampire so that I can be with you, even if it means sacrificing my own life as a mortal.
ROBERT PATTINSON
So, the next generation of young women are currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.
KRISTEN STEWART
I love you. Put a baby in me.
ROBERT PATTINSON
At least the other three books can't possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.
They ARE.
END
OK SO I LIED THERES ONLY THREE PARTS!!! but I covered EVERYTHING!!!
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