Ah, My Stupidity ...
I was such an idiot tonight ... I blew something way out of proportion. I'm such a freakin' wreck right now. Everything just feels like it's spinning out of control and falling apart. I have made some really hasty decisions lately, and tonight's was the worst yet. The worst thing of all is that what potential there may have been for some sort of friendship with some fellow roleplayers, I blew out of the water by overreacting to something that was actually not personal at all. I knew it, didn't I? I knew it, but at the same time, there existed in my mind the possibility, as I had acted like an idiot the night before - babbling foolishly in (what I see now was probably annoying) fangirly fashion ... about Lauri and feathers, that all respect for me was gone, so in perceived insults against my character (which were really just personality differences among the characters), I read in the opinion I thought people would probably have of me as a result of my (stupid) fangirlyness. So, in the reaction to someone I had hoped would be a likable character - I thought negative opinions about me were coming out. *sighs* Now, my usual urge to run away when I've done something stupid is working on overdrive, and I will have to really push myself not to give in to cowardice.
And, I'll save my fangirly ramblings for my journal. ^_^ Alas, this delicious insanity has me in its sway ... and I am a happy captive to this silly crush. But like all my silly crushes that I should have had when I was a teenager (instead of being repressed and solely absorbed in my homework) - this too, shall pass. Though I do think that Lauri will long remain in my "fantasy harem" somewhere near the top (just because he so sexy), duking it out for the throne with Haji. *laughs* Haji is king, but occasionally the throne is claimed by some new contender, such as (recently) Scar, and later, Lauri. Then, of course, somewhere below them are the numerous anime characters and celebrities that have been added to my fantasy harem over the years ... Daiya, Donovan, Hugh Jackman, Kenshin, etc., etc., etc.
Can't believe that I finished this very serious entry on such a fangirly note, but ... "All's well that ends well"? I'll just learn from the mistakes, and not make those mistakes again. I had forgotten - there were one or two other roleplay characters that I had put a lot of myself into before that were not well-received (though not perhaps, so directly) - Garren (who I greatly miss) and ... well, there were two others that I put a lot of myself in that were well-received, which is probably why I didn't learn my lesson (because with Garren, it was only the character profile that was an issue with the site mod - too much of a Gary Stu at first - no outright rejection by other characters of him as a character). Other characters that had a lot of me in them: Elise was so full of me that she practically was me (I miss Elise, and she was kind of quiet and withdrawn, my depressive side - so she was not unpopular), and Alira had something of me in her too - more of my ideals than of who I actually am. Though she, too, (like Anja) was the kind of character likely to be much too nice to appeal to most people.
I've got to round Anja out more. In contrast to the appropriately (as a vampire existance would probably be hellish) tortured souls of the other characters, she seems out of place. On the other hand, having someone that's kind of "normal" might help to better display the drama and interest of the more dramatic characters, as well as to display her too, in contrast - everyone looks good that way - a win-win situation, right? I hope so, I hope so ...
Okay, now it's back to happy thoughts of Lauri and crow feathers ... and I can go to sleep, carried away on a wave of blissful thoughts ... for some reason, Lauri even trumps Scar, though perhaps some people would say that Scar is more handsome, and possibly more sexy, though my current state of "mad crush-edness" would assert the opposite. Lauri is king! *strews crow feathers*
No, no ... I guess I'm not quite sleepy enough now, even though it's into the small hours of the morning and there is no darkness bothering me tonight (now that I have unburdened myself of my self-disgust with my lame choices tonight). But yes, the regrets were not worth trying to remedy the situation - I did a bad job of confronting and dealing with this. Surely, private pm's would have been a better way to deal with this - why did I only think of that after the fact?! ... but hindsight is 20/20, and some things cannot be undone, no matter how much you might wish they could be. People should be placed first over feelings of being hurt, worried, or offended - I let my anxiety and hurt make me selfish in my attempts to assauge my fears/hurt with hoping that I'd hear "No, of course not - and she's an okay character," which was what things came round to after the initial shock of me being an idiot. *beats head against wall* How could I act so ... stupid ... stupid ... stupid ... My judgement was seriously impaired by paranoia, insecurity, and anxiety tonight ... too much of that in these past few weeks ...
*sighs* Okay, now I've got to think about feathers again ... what's done is done, and I will need happy thoughts to send myself to sleep. sad Sheesh, I still can't believe how I acted tonight ... emo
Feathers, feathers, feathers ... confused
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