School mostly and then trapped in a glass case of emotion on the other hand. Times are tough and it wears thin on me making me more irritable then anything with a severe distaste for spending time here when I 'should' be elsewhere being productive. I'll feel better in a couple of weeks when I can afford a few things that most people call the basics and then my mood will return....along with my heavy handed approach to what is and isn't decent behavior between two people. I've been criticized for that and the mindset behind it but if this is a world where a man can't be a MAN if so chooses and possess a woman because she chooses to be possessed then equality has gone too far. Also ******** vegans. No particular reason you all just annoy me because those I've met don't shut up about it in that about three times a day an animal winds up in my mouth. I must regain my footing and confidence to regain my status because my relationship is slipping. More to the point it's two people letting one thing fall slowly to the floor and not bothering to pick it up again. It would be so easy for two people to just....walk away but then there's that little issue of love. As far as boyfriends go I'm terrible, I'm not there. Distant in every last sense of the word and so very full of myself to the point when I do need help not only am I incapable of asking she's so devoted to her role in life and lot she doesn't even know how to help me so we stare at each other and then do what two normally solitary people do. We take the pain and hide it away, not letting the outside world know it makes us weak. You're supposed to be able to confide in a loved one but I'm as bad as she is. Our conversations are nothing more then two skillful word artisans who only say exactly as much as they want to say and not a thing more, she won't 'trouble' me with the things that deeply bother her and I won't 'belittle' myself to admitting that I'm not an invincible rock for her to cling to. The worst part is, this isn't a secret. She's knows I know that she knows and because everyone is in the know we can just nod and walk away, so used to doing things ourselves. I take stupid things to heart because my fuse is so low, I get mad. In two years I haven't gotten mad let alone at her, angry is an emotion but mad is an outburst. I had one and she didn't believe me because that's not something I do and it even startled me. WAS I mad? Not with her, not directly. Just angry over so many things it all lit a short fuse. I can't afford a webcam and she thinks I need one. To put my current crisis into focus the cost of a fifteen dollar webcam is two days worth of food including meals and lunch and no, not a good one. I know this because my life right now is one shame in front of the other, I eat alone because I don't want others to know all I can afford is a bag of buns each day...day olds at that. I push dimes and nickels into the candy machine at school to give the illusion that I'm not starving and broke, brandish a bar like a trophy because only people who aren't pitiful can afford to casually by them. Breakfast and lunch all in one little bar, a nice bun to look forward to for lunch. IF I'm really lucky I'll be able to afford a box of store brand granola bars which means I can at least one each time my stomach growls. That's my day and she refuses to talk to me playfully because I don't have a webcam. I lost it. She teased me with stories of some 'Allen' who hit on her hoping to bring my mood up. I lost it. She's not a b***h, she knows me well enough that in a good mood I would have laughed but with my pride worn so thin and each and every day bringing me to stare at the static of a tv with nothing plugged into it in my empty apartment while she smiles and hops off to watch Ghosthunters with barely a wave so to speak I just each day more and more wonder why the hell I bother. Five years of my life, one not of my own accord. Move to another country and leave my friends, family and contacts behind to earn the right to ask her hand in marriage. This after four years of University where I'm shamed each waking moment to the point where I now sleep just so I don't have to face the day. Worse is my new friend. It's like cheating without all the fun parts. She talks to me online every day. She's probably as bad as me but at least I can talk to her cohesively since she's exactly as beaten now as a degraded slave. That's how I have to talk to another human being, like she's a made up character and treat her like a Master treats that. I have to give her hell for stupid things she does, tell her to quit pissing around and most of all tell her she's not a waste of life and that somehow everything will be alright. I don't even think she has a problem, just emo. So yes, I talk down to her. Treat her like a ******** child because she responds to it. Positively. She looks forward to talking with me and I like talking to her except for one small thing. I would so much rather be talking to my real pet, the woman I love.
Nero Diamond · Mon Oct 26, 2009 @ 12:52pm · 0 Comments |