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So here's the deal:
I was feeling depressed tonight. Like, suicidal depressed. For no real reason at all... I just felt like I wanted... no, needed to spend the night with Kaie. No, it wasn't about sex. I just needed to lie with her, feel her holding me. If not that, at least know that she was nearby, and if I needed it, she could be beside me, holding me, in an instant. I needed that security, and I needed it from her. From my mate, my lover, my fiance. But that couldn't happen, due to the current housing situation. Quite impossible.
She started blaming herself for my depression, because a little earlier, she'd snapped at me rather roughly, and in a bit of a violent way. Yes, this disturbed me, but it really had nothing to do with my being depressed and feeling very much alone.
Shortly after that, we had to part ways. She was leaving for James and Azrael's house, and I for mine. She promised me - promised! - that she would be on MSN tonight, probably until four or so in the morning. I've been popping on and offline every fifteen minutes or so since 11:00, hoping I would at least get to talk to her, if I couldn't be with her. It's 2:30 now, and I haven't seen her yet.
She hasn't been online.
I don't know if I'm angry, worried, or just... sad. I do know that I'm at least a little bit hurt. I haven't figured out quite how much yet. I'm feeling rather abandoned at the moment, despite the fact that I was actually feeling *better* after my mother came and picked me up from downtown.
Unfortunately, the one place I want to run to, to hide from this feeling, is the one place I can't get - Kaie's arms. I feel, at the moment, like I want to find a small hollow under a large rock, curl up in it, and block out the entrance. Make myself a little pseudo-grave and hide there, until whatever will have me, takes me. Not suicide, per se - that's too active for my current state. More like I wish to lie down, and have whatever life force it is that keeps me breathing drawn from me, as if going to sleep...
I do believe that the little one within me is the only reason I haven't seriously hurt myself tonight. I just want to cry, and be held. Is that really so much?
Nay-rinn · Fri Jan 20, 2006 @ 10:38am · 0 Comments |
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