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why do i always worry over you? i force myself to believe that you miss me when we don't see each other, but i know it's a lie. you always ignore me, and act like i don't matter. but when you're with me, and paying attention to me, i know that you like me at least. that at least you're paying attention to only me in that moment, and that the smile that you give is just for me, and i get so wrapped up in you that i can hardly breathe. but then you ignore me, and i worry and cry over you, and get more and more depressed because i know that you're hurting and i can't do anything. and that you don't love me. you don't really give a s**t about me. you just need someone to pay attention to you when you feel alone and unwanted. you don't actually care who it is. and i hurt. but when i get to talk to you, i smile so you can't tell that you're killing me. the last thing i want is for you to hurt. so even if you leave me, because i know you will, at least you won't be hurting because of me. so you cut yourself and send me the pictures, and when i ask why you stop talking. and then we'll kiss the next day and it's like nothing ever happened. but something did happen. and i can't shake it. do you not care that you're bleeding and dying? because it hurts me like each one of those cuts was a slit to my throat.
do you know what hurts the most? it's when i tell you that i can't talk to you, you start freaking out. why couldn't you just listen and talk to me in the first place? why couldn't you just talk? that's all i need. knowing that you like talking to me. you tell me that i'm important, but you spend more time talking to my friends instead of me. you don't talk to me. all that you need me for is a fallback, in case you screw up. and the part of that that's the worst? the fact that i let you string me along. i've never stopped loving you. but it looks like you've stopped loving me. and yourself. and every other f*cking thing in this world. and it hurts to see you. to see you slitting your wrists and your heart and your mind and doing drugs and smoking.
it hurts so much.