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Romance


I feel the stirring in my soul again, the need to write. The music video for "Eurydice" by Sleepthief
is on my mind again. It is so deeply symbolic to me in these dark times. Love. God’s love leading me from the darkness. It’s the part where the husband is slowly, gently leading his wife from death to life. She is literally in grave clothes – the strands of her garments buried in the soil, and as he leading her forward, she can hardly move and she looks frightened and confused. In so many ways, that is me. I am still returning to life, and death still reaches out for me. Having been so close to death so many times, having yearned for death, I feel like a part of me died, and is still coming, so slowly, back to life. I have courted Death – he has been beautiful to my eyes, and sinfully, I have portrayed him so. But life is precious. Life is a gift.

Walking forward so slowly, falling behind. Walking with God for brief moments, running away from Him most of the time. Wanting so much to trust Him, wanting so much for the love for Him that lives in my heart to come into full bloom. I need Him more than I can say … I hide from Him, I run from Him, I chase Him. I love Him, but sometimes when I’m angry at Him, I almost feel as though I hate Him. I treat God so terribly – I would never want to treat anyone else that I love like that, so why do I treat Him that way? Is it because I trust Him to forgive me for the anger? Honestly, I think that is the true reason. I know that I don’t have to hide the best and the worst in me from Him, and that even if I wanted to, I would not be able to. It is comforting to be known that well, to know that He won’t reject me no matter what I say to Him or feel about Him.

And as I walk through my valleys, in the darkness of uncertainty about my future and of deep depression and feelings of worthlessness … as I am being pulled away from having been on the brink of death just a few short weeks ago … I will remember the promise of His love – that He will never leave my side.

As I watch the Eurydice video, in the part where the red strips of cloth are rising, with every strip, like another blow, another whip mark upon the back of Christ, and as I see each moment of unbearable pain, I know that in His mind, what He was thinking with each blow was, “I love her … I love her … I love her …” “Her” being humanity, God’s Beloved. Bleeding for her – dying for her, saving her life. It is the most beautiful story I’ve ever heard – the deepest Love that ever was given.