I've never liked school, as I've stated. I am pragmatic in some cases, however, and am 100% capable of appreciating what schools do--as I've stated. When we see films nowadays...if it's about some kid overcoming drugs or alcohol or whatever after bad influences by parents... We may not watch it because; well, how bloody cliche. It's time to address something you should know about me. I remind myself everyday to never give in to social relationships--not find a person to marry and produce offspring with. Why? Well, why?--should I?--ever?
I remember it clearly, when I absolutely sealed it with myself to not do what I previously stated I would not do. It was back at the house I last lived in, in Kennewick; seventh grade at dinner with the family. I'm not totally certain of when exactly...but I guess it might have been among my most angsty, sad period--when I was coming into atheism and just being depressed, and tremblingly wide-eyed. When I spoke to people no one else could see. I remember looking down at my plate, feeling my parents to the side and across from me; thinking of how I was so like them. My mom; cursing and hot-headed and anti-social, but also very dedicated to family and soft-hearted. She makes threats she never holds to. Hasn't worked in twenty years but sits around and plays Fire Emblem and runs on the treadmill. My dad; a workaholic who buys us fatty foods we can't stand from exotic countries, takes us to exotic countries which just tires my mom, molests my sister and I in a dad-friendly way we're supposed to accept, and is practical to a fault while seeming like a little boy all at once. Them, together...plus some outside forces...and you get me.
Me was suicidal. Me wouldn't let herself cry because she didn't want to feel weak even though that's all she ever felt. Me, in her atheism and semi-worldliness as she saw it, felt somewhat superior to the...masses. Me was practical and desperate to love, and a snob who wanted to be humble but also be recognized as superior without making a scene.
I thought if I were to have a kid...I wouldn't--I would never be so selfish as to put another person through all this s**t. Friends...relationships--how troublesome. At school, some people to be friendly with were necessary; just so as not to have to read with other readers at lunch. I was used to being popular without really trying--people were attracted to me and I vainly accepted that and tolerated it.
I have such the desire to delete those last two paragraphs--maybe because they aren't true, or because they are and it's what causing me to feel ill. I'm pretty certain they really aren't spot-on; I should give myself more credit, or at least...put whatever credit I do get...in a..nother way? I-I d'know. It's hard to explain, of course. But the point is...relationships are something I won't have.
So...I dun really recall why I started this. Okay, I have to type this, though--I am pining for someone right now. Made a thread about it in the Advice For Life Issues in a guild I'm in which was a huge breath of fresh air. Also, I want to say that I look at al of this--this angst and apathy and distrust overlying a desire to love and be loved and also to appear not to want that, but then maybe to, in some cases; all of that fun stuff--as just that; teenagery angst. A phase, I guess. I'll indulge in some good-hearted angst, feel like a dumbass, credit it as a phase, and then move on, hoping I'll mature soon and it'll pass.
But then also, I know that adults lose too much of this teenagery angst. Become too practical--okay, I can't do this anymore. If I get back into the feeling I was in when I began, I may continue. I have to stop.
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Thought Doodles, Analyzations, Observations, Training
I'll work today...to rise up tomorrow. So that yesterday will be something I can be proud of! And it's not a loop. It's a schedule. Eat THAT.
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