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i shoulda spoke up sooner
shoulda thought more clearly
before i opened this sin
so many heartless word i've said
and i regret them all
not one have i truly meant
never did it really help
it caused me more pain
to see me cause you hell
i never meant to hurt you
we've heard those words before..
now i leave the choice to you
if it even matters anymore..



sarah.. in case u didn;t get my im... here it is in a nutshell..
i'm a fragile person.. and i'm running out of anything to hold onto..and lately..it seems like my grip isn;t strong enough..and i guess.. maybe.. i should just let go..i've fallen off the ledge.. and my rope is frayed... and i realize..it's going to break no matter what..and holding on isn;t helping.. it just hurts more..and makes me more afraid..maybe i should just let go..and accept that nothing can ever fix it..
sorry if i've done anything to hurt you in the past.. present.. whatever.. but i leave the choice in your hands now... forgive and forget the past... or just forget me all together... i've now lost trust in one i've cared dearly about.. you.. i lost a lot of trust in as time went on.. you stopped speaking to me... you left me so alone.. and you helped my heart be broken.. and though i say i don;t blame you... a part of me... wants to.. so very badly... i have a huge amount of jealousy for you sarah... you're pretty.. always have friends to hang out with... all the guys like you.. you're talented... you have horses to ride.. rodeos... and well.. what have i got? how can i compete with that... i do love you to death still.. but girl... it hurts me..i'll always care.. know that... i'll always love you.. not in that way of course.. i guess.. kind of like a sister... in a way.. you remind me of becca.. pretty.. popular... all the boys like you.. talented... and having so much i wanted.. or just.. couldn;t get... but you know.. i've always been jealous.. people flocked to her.. and well.. i was always second best.. i guess.. same with you..you're the lucky one.. who gets to be everyone favorite... but you'll always hold a place in my heart.. not a lover's place... not just a friend's.. but someone who really made an impact on my life.. and no matter how much pain you've helped cause.. whether intentional or not.. or given to me.. you still made me laugh and smile.. and we were close for a while.. you were still a friend.. who meant a hell of a lot to me..and i will never ever forget you.. so here it is.. make the choice... if you wish to do away with me.. now you can.. unless you want to try.. and we forget what's the past.. and begin anew.. and be the friends we once were... who always smiled.. and never once held to the other an accusation.. i do hope you choose well.. for i miss the friendship we had..



everything in life seems to always be going wrong now.. everything falling apart.. i'm always so alone.. at school i never seem to be accepted by others(gonna leave problems at home alone for now).... but well.. i just.. miss my old friendships..and well.. i'm gonna come out with it all.. it's really.. more for you sarah..

i might type it all more later.. or in another entry period.. but.. i'd prefer to call you.. and talk it through... i think we both need to know the whole story of everything.. from the beginning.. to the break... to the renewal.. to the chaos we find ourselves in so much... i don;t want this to keep happening.. the pain is too much.. and we shouldn't have to hurt anymore...

love you for always....not in that way however... but as..... my friend...my sister... and my soul...


here's the lyrics to a couple songs for you... they really.. relate to all this...

Song: For Good Lyrics
ELPHABA
I'm limited:
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you -
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
(spoken) For both of us
(sung) Now it's up to you:

GLINDA
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:

GLINDA
Because I knew you:

BOTHI have been changed for good

ELPHABA
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

GLINDA
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

BOTH
And none of it seems to matter anymore

GLINDA ELPHABA
Like a comet pulled Like a ship blown
From orbit as it Off it's mooring
Passes a sun, like By a wind off the
A stream that meets Sea, like a seed
A boulder, half-way Dropped by a
Through the wood Bird in the wood

BOTH
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?

GLINDA
And because I knew you:
ELPHABA
Because I knew you:

BOTH
Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good.


Song: I'm Not That Girl Lyrics
ELPHABA
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl:


you HAVE changed me for good.. and i guess it took me a while before to get over the fact.. i'm NOT that girl.... and i'm hoping.. you can look past my flaws.. and forgive me... cry