Book:
The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
I was reading through parts of this book this afternoon. I already knew I was an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) before I even went down the book's checklist and had 21 out of 23 of the signs of it - and even on the two that the qualities did not exist in me in the extreme, there was some amount of it in me.
So ... that is actually pretty discouraging to me ... it is very unpleasant being an HSP - extremely sensitive to certain things: light, sound, subtleties of the environment around you, things other people might be feeling ... etc, etc, etc.
The book (the parts that I have read thus far) does not stress the aspect of being sensitive to possible sources of pain and distress to other people and of wanting to eliminate these painful things - I do want to carry it for other people because I have carried a lot of my own and I know just how painful some things can be - to watch someone going through painful experiences and to not be able to do a thing to take the pain away from them is sad, distressing, and even frightening for me. I can't stand to see people suffer and to not be able to help. I feel that I am strong enough to carry it because I've dealt with a lot of horrible crap of my own in my lifetime and lived through it. Sorrow and darkness are the enemies that I want to fight ... in myself and in other people.
I just can't stand the thought of sitting around doing nothing when I know that the world is full of horrors and that there is something I could do to help somehow ... my life is "a brief candle" as Shakespeare said. I have only a mortal lifespan in which to do something to try to make the world a better place and what I can do now in this short lifetime. I want to do this. I endured horrible things that almost killed me and which still threaten my life sometimes, and the fighter in me is full of rage against the Enemy that seeks to destroy people ... I want to fight ... become the Knight that is in my heart, impatient with the restraints of the time needed to grow in my creative abilities in order to be able to sing those songs ... the ferocity in me that wants to fight against evil with these songs ... to be angry against this horrible crime itself, for the sake of people who are still too weak and too torn to even be angry against their enemies themselves ... to cry for them too ... to give them healing love ...
I would pour my life, myself out for them gladly ... in this, I find fullfilment, and feel that my life will be what I have been hoping for. I want to fight against the "soul murder" that sexual abuse causes ... this which leaves the body alive and the very soul torn to pieces ... I want to give them strength and hope, and even to inspire them to take up this battle with me and to carry it on after I am gone ... that the war against this evil would someday be won ...
But it can never be won in this fallen, corrupted world - all that can really be achieved is that at least the defenses of the side of Light would be strengthened and that the weak would be more effectively protected and strengthened with more people becoming "fighters" in this war. But the evil of sexual abuse cannot be stopped while man has free will and evil exists in the world. Evil will exist until the end of this world and the beginning of the next ...
You know what I'd like? *fierce* I'd like to see someone write angry songs for it - almost screaming ... so angry ... against the evil that is so foul it often kills both the soul and the body ... when those who cannot bear to live with the pain of their broken souls kill themselves, their bodies which remained alive after their hearts and souls were torn assunder ...
People should be livid about sexual abuse ... society should be enraged and the punishments for the people who do it should be much more severe ... It's called "righteous wrath" - not as much against the perpetrators themselves, some of which are very broken and confused people themselves, but against the crime ...
And I do want to be that person who screams about it ... (in song, of course) and I want to see other people do it too. The songs that I know of about this crime are quiet, sad ... but I want to be angry about it! These people need angry songs too ... not to incite violence or unforgiveness but to enable them to go through the stage of grief that is anger and to feel that it is okay to be angry about the very crime itself and for the sake of other people it happened to as well ... and there will be sad, gentle songs as well - nurturing songs that are my way of crying for them and with them. Both are needed! They need more songs, more books, more people standing up to represent them and be their voice and to call them out to do the same! Of all the things that one human being can do to another, sexual abuse is one of the worst, possibly even the worst of all ... there is a feeling of violation and pain so deep that I can hardly begin to express it - you won't know it or understand it unless it has happened to you too. Thank God or whatever deity you pray to if you have never experienced it ... you are blessed ...
The damage that it does can and does kill people in various different horrifying ways ...
Oddly, I find myself wanting to watch some Rasmus stuff today - but not for Lauri in the sense of the crush I used to have on him. I have someone of my own now. ^_^ But, because when I see Lauri sing with such abandon and passion, it lights a fire inside of me - it gives me strength! I have to say I envy him his hairstyle, though ... I have great admiration for that wild hair and would like to attempt something (not the same) but possibly slightly similar in some ways. It's like a lion - the mane is part of what makes them look wild, regal, and scary. I want hair that says that there is a hard, dangerous edge in me too, because there is - it is in my desire to fight the evil which I cannot stand not to do something about!
I'm still considering (possibly) dying my hair black. If I don't do that, it will be these interesting clip in hair extensions that you can buy that are made of natural hair and come in all kinds of crazy colors. Since they are natural (though dyed) hair, you can style, curl, blowdry, etc. them just as you would any other kind of hair. It looks like this:
http://hairwispies.com/
>.< *wants so bad ...* black, burgundy, midnight blue, red - not all at once and in the same hairstyle, but I'd like to do different looks at different times. I think that black would look very striking in my honey-blondish-brownish hair - with some black feathers of course ... but not at the same angle as Lauri's, different in some way. I think that burdundy feathers would be very interesting too ... and maybe red ones. I am actually thinking .. if my unemployment check is sufficient for me to get two or three of these along with providing for my monthly expenses - I might go ahead and get them at that time. I started wearing very dark eyeliner already. It is a very dark grey, but I want to deepen it to black. I found videos on youtube about how to do it ... I haven't started in with the crazy, fierce, arty clothes yet, though. I have everything I need to do that (years of buying eccentric stuff at garage sales and thrift stores has created a good stock of such clothes in my closet already.) Ruth might be a bit disturbed if she saw me like that, but Sarah (my other roommate) already knows I plan to change my look and is kind of excited about seeing it ^_^. I can just change my clothes and wipe off some of the makeup before Ruth gets home ... (Ruth is the Mom of the family I'm renting a room in their house from, and Sarah is her daughter.) I don't want her to think I'm being a bad influence on her daughter. *craves fake piercing rings too* Found a place to buy fake piercing jewelry online too ... pretty cheap - much more so than the hair extension clip in things ... must, must, must do it! Oops! Tomorrow is Sunday! sad Crap, I don't want to wear clothes like that to church ... but Monday I will for sure - yep. *doesn't like waiting* I don't want poor Ruth to think I've taken up becoming a scary-looking goth hooker or something like that ... eek If I don't have to move out (i.e. Unemployment coming through for me with the checks) I will have to have a little talk with her eventually ... not looking forward to that ... she'd be ashamed if her friends (that pop by at times) saw me like that, I think ... they do show up unexpectedly now and then.
*burns with the desire to begin the wildness ...* I have so much job searching to do tonight online that I probably can't do voice practice tonight ... *unhappy* Tomorrow afternoon, perhaps? *drools in anticipation* And, if I'm alone in my room I could wear my wild clothes ... yes! ... *trembling in excitement, slightly* Or not ... Ruth's son is here for the weekend ... better wait 'till Monday ... maybe - or just change before leaving my room for stuff ... I have to get used to dressing like that, but I'm not ready yet for everyone to see it - only people who approve at this point in time. *excited* >.<
I'm wondering what I could wear to church tomorrow that would be kinda edgy but wouldn't distract from the worshipful environment ... I just want to let the wild out wherever I go, more and more ...
*listens to "No Fear" by The Rasmus, feeling fierce* This Lady will become a Knight someday ... In fact I already am - I am preparing myself for the battles that lie ahead - I am in training right now, learning to sing well, learning to play the guitar, writing the songs, etc. I even see the clothes I wear as an expression of and a part of that as well ... Drat - where did my military dog tags style necklace go ... I used to wear it to inspire me. I will put the unicorn one back on for now until the dog tags one is found, but probably wear both together once I find the dogtags necklace. I am a warrior preparing to fight.
I will fight with everything I have in me:
The strengths which society might deem weaknesses:
empathy
sympathy
a genuine desire to help
etc.
The strengths which no one seems to deny as being strong:
righteous wrath
speaking up about this cause in various ways (through song, writing, speaking, etc.)
etc.
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Flight of the Unicorn
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