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Sigh
Journal, I hardly ever write in this. I've been so busy with studying (it's all I ever do, seriously) for exams and finals and yeah. One of my friends is transferring to Northeastern University. It resonated with me not because she was leaving, but because I was so jealous of her. I wish I could leave this university too. I then asked her why she was leaving, and told her how I felt about this school and she said she was pretty much leaving for the reasons I listed. Lol. Seriously, I'm not happy here in the least. I have virtually no friends on my floor. I've made friends, yeah. Just not any that like me enough to invite me places or try to hang out with me outside of class. Whatever. Then I look at my HS friends here and see them, along with seemingly everyone else here, looking so happy, like they belong, and I just can't help thinking I wish I felt like that. Not once have I felt a sense of belonging since coming here back on August 31st. It got better for all of my friends and for other people as the semester went on, but for me the loneliness only got worse. Now it's deafening. I'm going to talk to my parents about me transferring elsewhere when the semester ends. I'll have to finish out the next semester here in Delaware, but hopefully by the next fall or spring semester I can be at another school. I just don't feel at home here. And it's not like I haven't tried, because believe me, I have. I have spent more of my money--much more--than I intended because I'm buying my food from the university food places and stores on main street in order to avoid eating alone at the dining halls. Today I ate in the dining hall alone. Katrina told me she was having dinner with her friend Ned--who I fear is replacing me, but it's okay--and she always says she wants to be alone whenever she eats with him because they like to have deep conversations, so I said maybe we can eat together some other time. I met my other friend Alli and one of her friends in the line for food and then once I had my food I went and ate by myself. I saw Katrina with Ned and some other guy, smiling and laughing from where I was sitting. I was just staring at my potatoes trying not to think about anything, but to no avail, for I eventually felt a sudden, overwhelming wave of loneliness and unhappiness rush over me. I felt like crying. I kept face, though. I finished my dinner and left and walked back to my dorm. I'm not happy here at all. It's really pathetic when all I have to show for my time here are a few acquaintances and a good (as of now) GPA. I think I'm going to try and switch dorm buildings for next semester an if I can't do that or if that doesn't do anything, I'm pretty sure I will just transfer to another school. It's just not worth it to continue paying for me to stay somewhere I'm unhappy in. I'm just so tired of being a group friend and always feeling like I'm on the outside looking in. Just once I would like to have someone genuinely want to be my friend here and have that connection with someone. Sigh. All right, I'm going to go take a nap now, journal. Bye.
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