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sometimes i like to occupy my time with writing useless things down. my medication has helped so far but i feel that im going to need to raise the milligrams. its not depression. its not even sadness. its the obsession. its disgusting. every waking moment i think. i cant stop. when i talk, when i call someone, its name slips. it makes me want to puke. this feeling, like my gut is gone and suddenly thrown back and crushed by an invisible hand. it happens over and over again. my heart beats so fast that sometimes it hurts. whats worse is that my heart is supposed to belong to another. its name makes me sick to my stomach. i want to rip it out. i want to shred my memories. it doesnt belong. its different. it doesnt deserve any acknowledgement. not at all. but instead its like a parasite, sucking at my mind, wrapping itself around my brain, squeezing until theres nothing left but itself. and it will be able to stay there and take up all my time. distract me. ive hated nothing more than this. this time sucking monster. i keep telling myself that it's not worth the time. it doesnt need my recognition. there are others that would be better to think of. but it always comes back. like a disease. eating away at me. making me weak. making me suffer. taking my life, slowly. it feels like its at my finger tips sometimes. then i remember its at my finger tips. not within my grasp. thats what makes it so frustrating to think about. i dont have it. i dont own it. its not mine. i cant take control of it. it has control of me. i promised it would never have that effect on me. never would i let any of them have that kind of control over me. but ive failed. it makes me sick. so sick.
remember to be happy on your own. youre beautiful. you need no one else.
 StrangeOvertones · Wed Aug 11, 2010 @ 10:03am · 0 Comments |
