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Another " friend " is now engaged.
I never knew. No one had told me.
And I'm still so unhappy with myself, that i can't imagine being attached to someone.
Seeing them happy and smiling into the camera, makes me sick.
I shudder and must look away. It is disgusting to me.
What's wrong with me that i can't just accept my septic lot and be happy for others?
What's wrong with me that I'm always alone?
Why can't i just be whom i should, and accept that they didn't care i was around,
And don't even notice that I'm gone.
There is no prayer for me.
No hope.
The irony in my name comes with thoughts I should have left behind.
The futile passions that i take up stand silent.
And all of the rage in the world can't disturb the dust of the floor where i lay.
It's the inability to stay the same person for even one day...
That is killing me.
And now... I'm all tears and salted wounds.
Alone even with him.
Not even lonely without.
And within, i am kind, i can love... but i cannot allow myself.
Within i am nothing but a hollow contrivance.
As if I'm madeof lies.
Like spun sugar, all air and light on the surface, but deeply hollow.
Deeply shamed.
I cannot be saved.
I cannot be saved.
i cannot come clean
i cannot be saved.
i cannot be saved
and no one cares.
i cannot be saved
i cannot be saved
i cannot be sane
i cannot be saved
i cannot be saved
i cannot complain
i cannot be saved
i cannot be saved
I'm losing my mind.
i cannot be saved
I'm just too wasted.