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So, It may just be the moody Linkin Park, Breaking Benjamin, and Evanescence songs playing on Pandora, but I'm feeling a bit detached from everything at the moment. I've always enjoyed this state of mind, as it's dream-like and cozy in nature. However, it's starting to worry me more and more. I don't get enough time to sit and just be other than this, yet I feel all my time slipping away.

I'll be turning 17 in three days. I'm mostly apathetic about it, but it does irk me. I've always had the impression that I would love to stay 15 or 16 forever. The work's not hard, the responsibilities aren't too strenuous, and I'm old enough to do everything that I have any interest it (as the smell of alcohol repulses me and clubbing where I live sucks). I've always had had a mind older than I am (not just IQ but emotionally) in a body that looks way younger than it does (I've finally lost count of how many people mistook me for 12 upon meeting me.) I'm a junior in a college-like advanced school and in a little over a year, I'll be in the "adult world" which still terrifies me.

I think I may have bouts of depression. I can't tell if it is or if I'm just over-thinking things, but I do find that when I don't have any stimuli, my thoughts are moody and questioning. Often times when I'm like this, I wish that I could fade into darkness, and float there with no thoughts and no feelings. I always imagine it would be bliss. Anyone who reads my writings (whether poetry, original stories, or fancfiction) will see the recurring world of darkness and the positive thoughts characters give to it. In fact, even in third person (can't write fiction in first person), the characters are as contemplative as me, always observing other-wise meaningless details for self insight.

I love this world, yet most people's version of reality escapes me. I do follow the laws of physics and behave in a manner that's socially acceptable, but I still live in and wish for a world that different from this. I'm sick of politics, and I've even come to the point where I'm unfazed by the thought of stupid people (I mean morally stupid of course) just dropping dead. I actually wish for it at times.... Heh, we'd have very few politicians left then, wouldn't we?

See, there, one of the things that bother me. I wonder if I'm crazy or morally unacceptable myself. I used to watch Death Note and thing Light went too far, now I'm under the impression that I would've been harsher than him in judgment. But that could just be that between these two phases, I witnessed that our law system only works for the rich and those who know people. There's not much true justice out there in America anymore.

I wonder if I'm insane not only for that, but for the fact that I can honest-to-God wish someone dead (only one demon, but something 'Me of two years ago' would feel horrible of just thinking about) and not feel guilty about. I don't think I'm insane, because I do wonder if it's bad that I don't feel bad, but no matter what I do, I can't make myself feel any different about the situation.

I can't really talk to my mom (or anyone) about my honest feelings and have them understand anymore (now that I think about it, I don't think I ever really could). No one seems to understand how lonely I'm able to feel at times or how scared I am that time keeps moving forward. Time may be an illusion to some, but the ticking of the second hand is something I can't change, whether I'm aware of it or not. I'm only 16, but I feel like so much time has gone by already and that I'm running out of time. I don't even believe in the 2012 crap! I think back to just a few years ago and the good times that I can never have again. I miss them so much, the little things and I'm scared of what else I'm slowly losing. It honestly brings tears to my eyes, I'm so scared.

I like to put my headphones in, close my eyes, and let the world fade, but I hate that even when I stop time in my mind, it rolls forward to leave me behind outside in the "real" world. I want to live life like a dream, with nothing like money, politics, place, time, or standards to stop me. I want everyone to stop being such assholes to one another and to realize that everyone is living their own life, too. There's no right to take it away from good people, and there's no right to waste it being fake humans (wasn't there a t.A.t.U song about false people?). They spend all their time on crap that doesn't matter and never bother to stop and live. You can just hear it in a lot of the music today. Music is supposed to grab hold of your soul, make you tingle all over, or make you wanna dance. Music is for the emotions, not the world or for ears. Popular music today is honestly stupid. It's about nothing at all, and the talent's diminishing. The only good bands aren't even popular, beaten by the crap songs. That's just sad.

So many people are so selfish now and materialistic. I admit that I like stuff, but it takes a lot of gall and/or courage to ask for something. I do not like asking people for things as I know that money (now that's a stupid illusion) can be spent on much more important things. I'm happy with music and a fandom (Final Fantasy IX and Soul Eater at the moment) to enjoy. I like to hang out with friends and laugh at random things and to be silly. I love to sing, buy not in front of those who don't know me. I'm self-concious like that. (Can't stand pictures but I don't think I'm that bad looking. Cameras just kill my looks completely.)

The days fly by and I can't do much to stop them. My friends all have problems that I can't help with anymore. I want to help so many, but I can't bear to lay my own thoughts out on the table My eyes tear up over nothing now, just because I feel sad sometimes, especially in this mood, but I can't stand for others to see me cry. I sing random tunes with no words to whatever I'm feeling, and I dance all alone when there's no music at all. I don't know why, maybe to vent whatever I'm feeling. I'm always feeling this strange resonance in my chest, like a wave of something spreading from my heart to my whole body. Is it spiritual or am I physically feeling my blood flow?

I like to listen to "moody" songs because it helps me feel that way, like something is trying to grab my soul and speak to it. I don't know why or what I do with this, but I like it. It's kind of blissful, even if it sometimes makes me sad. I think I get sad a lot for other people than myself. I wonder if I'm feeling someone else when my soul resonates (no, I'm not copying Soul Eater, it's just how I honestly feel.)

I don't want to die, but I don't want to be in this reality when it rears it's ugly head. I wish I was a little kid who could cling to my mother. I love her dearly, but I feel like I'm getting harder to understand for everyone, which really upsets me. I want answers or comfort or acknowledgment (I'm not really sure) and I don't know how to communicate any more efficiently to get my point across.

I have to admit that life is a lot better at this school. I'm a lot happier and have more things to do, but when I come home and have too much time to think, I find I don't like it at home. I don't want school work, but I don't like whatever makes me uneasy at home. I always feels like there's something I need to do or that I'm forgetting about. It's almost as if I feel trapped. I'm in a cage that no one else sees. I can allow myself to be happy and have friends, but when I'm by myself I feel too alone, not just physically, but mentally. I want someone who really understands, but even if I find that person, I don't know if I'll be able to talk to them. I have no reason not to trust others, but for some reason, I hate putting myself out there. I feel so vulnerable. I always let my feelings out through singing, dancing (though I'm a terrible dancer), and writing as I'm doing now.

I have a councilor now at school, but it seems the only concerns I can force myself to say are about school. I hate that I'm always there to listen to anyone, but I don't want to talk to others about myself. For how much I like to talk, I should be able to. I can write a whole (however long this is) but when it's in person it's always "I'm fine." I feel horrible about it, too. Some people probably feel like I think I can't trust them, but that's not it. I don't know what it is, but I don't think it's trust.

Why do I cry when I'm by myself? What is it I'm longing for? Do I crave an alternate reality that badly? What's a me in parallel universe going through? Did something happen in a past life that left me like this? I've had a good life now so I don't see anything that should make me feel this way. I don't know how to deal with it. When I try too, I'm stubborn and I just frustrate my mom. I can't make myself talk to friends about it, let alone a councilor.

Maybe I'm crying for myself? I do know that when I'm upset and can't change it, I feel worse. Is it just another way to vent. If so, why am I so upset so often? Do other people feel sad a lot? Is it just me?

I know I rambled, and I'd be honestly surprised if anyone read this. I don't like the thought of people I know reading this, but more or less, it doesn't bother me too bad. I wrote this to just bent and gain insight into my own thoughts. Sometimes when I write, I discover things. I hope I haven't offended anyone but if I have, screw you. I know that's rude, but these are my feelings so I won't feel sorry for offending someone for what I feel, especially since I do believe I'm mostly morally correct. I'm not a racist bigot like a few people I've met, and I'm not utterly insane. I'm neither vain nor narcissistic. I'm educated, love to read, love to write, and enjoy knowledge. I'm a bit jealous and lonely at times but for the most part, I'm pretty happy around people. I'm perceptive and observing (though sometimes oblivious or pretending to be so) and I'm pretty good at reading body language and voice tone. I'm a bit of a sore loser, but many people are, and I don't feel like dealing with people I don't like or don't feel like dealing with. I can seem condescending, but it's not that I think I'm better, It's just that I don't want to deal with them and so many ignore me that I don't see a point in acknowledging them. I am a bit judgmental, but I do try to be open minded when meeting a person, it's just that I form opinions quickly.

So if you bothered reading, I don't know if that means your a good friend, bored, or nosy. Please don't treat me any differently. I'm the same as I've been, just venting. If you've confided in me, I hope you'll continue to do so, as I do want others to feel better. I have the weird habit of making others happy before myself, but I don't mind. It's just myself I have problems with.

I truly love my friends and wish the best for them. I know an extremely strong group of people who've been through a lot (another reason I'll listen to others before worrying about myself) and I hold then in the highest regards. I think they're the best people a friend could have, quirks and faults and all. Whether they realized it or not, they've helped me grow to become quite strong on the outside and most of the way through. I just wish I had enough strength to get rid of all my fears, achieve my goals, and stop time so I could enjoy life more. I have so much I want, I'm just not sure what it is . . . Until I figure out what it is or how to help myself, I'll try to continue enjoying the small things as I always try to do (anyone ever notice how I'm easily pleased/worried?). Though, I'm not sure how much other people notice about me. I don't think it's quite as much as I notice of others. I see so much in others it's amazing. They never even realize how amazing they are, themselves.

So, there's an extremely rare glimpse into my psyche, even for those who read my fiction and poems (one or two I think).

Ja ne,
~I'm not sure anymore