I feel like I’m drowning further and further down.
I hate myself for making my own ******** mother cry herself to sleep last night ‘cause she was so worried about me. She knows I cry myself to sleep. She knows I’m not happy. But that’s all she knows. She tries to help and understand me better. She doesn’t want to lose communication completely with me like she did with my older sister. And she’s not proud of letting that happen. But I shut her out every time she does to help me. My mom is strong, but she just finally broke down when I didn’t want to be open with her last night and tell what was really wrong, anymore. I felt my insides just topple over when I heard her crying and heaving from my room. Why am I such a horrible person to the people I love?
I’ve grown so far away from my family in the past few years and hate that I am. I love them so much, but I’m driving myself away from the people I love and I don’t think I can help it. It’s just a habit now to push them away and not open up. I close myself up and try to make myself laugh by being on the internet as much as I possibly can. And when I’m not, I’m locked up in my room, ignoring my family, and watching TV all day.
I tell myself "I'll change tomorrow. I'll make everything better. I'll take initiative. I'll start being more productive." I sometimes truly believe myself. But then tomorrow comes and nothing changes. The worse part is that I have no one else but myself to blame...
