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Everyone says she's a b***h. Everyone says she's impossible and that I'm better off without her and that I don't need someone like that in my life.

Well, I don't know what to say or do about it. I can't stop thinking about it, that's for damn sure. And, once again, I'm paranoid about whether or not she's talking to Alex. Or doing anything at all. I don't trust her. At all, and I can't move past that. So when I think she might be talking to the guy we both had a thing for, it (understandably) makes me more than a little upset.

She hasn't forgiven me for that, I know. She'll never admit it either. But her comments whenever we'd talk make me sure of it; She hasn't forgiven me because he and I are together, just like she hasn't forgiven what's-her-face who got together with her last crush (whom she still has feelings for).

I don't want to be the bad guy, and I think that's just what she'll make me out to be to everyone she tells about this. I'm not trying to be. And I don't think she understands what I need anymore.

She never stopped lying to me, either. She lied, to my face, right up until the last time we talked. (I"d like to say "the end", but that's not what it feels like at all. I don't feel like anything with her is resolved.) She didn't even try to deny it.

Nettie, if you ever read this, I'm sorry you can't be okay with it. I'm sorry you can't be happy for me. I'm sorry any of this even became a problem for you.

I just wish she could have the courage to talk to me about it. About anything.

But she can't even admit she's mad at me.


So it doesn't surprise me that she can't admit when she's got a grudge against me.

I really really don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want her to tell everyone what a horrible person I am, how mean I was, etc. etc. I've only ever wanted the best for her, you know? But she doesn't understand.

Hope I can get through this someday. I don't wanna be sitting here pining away for her like I did with Kay >.>