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I've done questionable things

Things that I am not proud of, things that will probably leave me in a horrible place if I ever let it. I cried a lot today, for many reasons. It just irks me that when I say I'm doing something not out of anger, hatred, or anything relating to those words; it is automatically assumed that I am, angry, or hate-filled.

I've been dealing with issues since December, it has only been until two weeks ago. I am not happy, and haven't been for quite some time. I must be a pretty good actress. I feel as if I have made the wrong choice today. I could have been mean, immature and simply said "one or the other". Thats how I feel, and I know that I cannot get that kind of result. I'm phasing myself out of the picture. Instead of doing so without saying a thing, I went and told the truth. The truth hurts, and I know some people haven't been truthful with me for fear that I may cry.

Eh, I don't know if what I did was for the best. I love you both just cannot work well with me anymore. I dislike that person with good reason. A close friend of mine is proud of me for getting away from that person who treated me like crap, and yet those people don't want to give up that other friend. They don't have to, and I cannot force them to. However, I can leave, make new friends and move on with my life without that person even being mentioned, or knowing that my new friends have no connection to that person. Thats why I like going to work and talking with my co-workers. They know nothing of my friends, and do not know the person I dislike. It makes me feel better talking to people that have no connection, and I feel freer.

This person won't leave her friends, I don't want to leave mine. I know that things will happen in the future, and for the life of me, I'd like to pummel her into the dirt. That will solve nothing but soothe the raging beast inside me. That would cost me a lot of things, and I'd rather not jeopordize my freedom just to see her in pain.

So the solution is simple. I go. I don't want to go, I really don't. It just seems like there really isn't much choice in the matter. Its the cleanest, and less troublesome of my ideas. (Most of which involve some sort of pain index) I'm moving on with my life, and my life path will probably have few people from my past on it. Eventually I am going to have to let go of a lot of people.

I'm already moving forward with a lot of things, making plans and getting some of the garbage out of the way. My friends won't be there for the entire ride, and I will make new ones. There are many sides to this coin, die, or whatever, but I just can't go on feeling like my friends have to choose. They make time for both parties, and I hate knowing that they go over to that person, as does my other friend who is in the same boat as I. I don't like her anymore, and there is little that can change my perception of this person.

Feh.

It just sucks.

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Good news, I get to drive myself to my doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. I'm afraid for the other drivers on the road...I haven't driven on a road for a long time. My dad seems to think I can do it, but if I let him down I'll feel worse.

I'm also financing a nice camera, hopefully I can get it soon.