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So I think I realized something today. Something that I'm not sure about how I feel with the issue. I don't even care if that grammatically makes sense. I think it hit me the most when I was sitting all by myself in the hospital cafeteria today. Anyway, it's about Thomas. He's not ever going to be there for me. As much as I want him to be, as much as I miss him, and as much as I wish so badly we could be together because I really truly think that we could make it work if we ever had the chance... it's not going to happen. I've talked to him what, maybe... twice? Three times? At the maximum, three times this entire year. What am I still holding onto? Why do I still care so much? We haven't even been "together" in like a year and a half. And when we were "together" we weren't even together. I think, deep down, I know it's over, and I'm trying to accept that. I'm alone. I'm single. Anything we had is over and gone and he's leaving and wants to go to Poland and disappeared out of my life and doesn't even show any signs of ever coming back, and even though it hurts, STILL, to this day... that's the way it is. And that's the way it's always going to be.

It was stupid of me to try to make an online relationship a real thing. What if I blew the possibility of a "real" relationship with someone? Oh wait, there wasn't even ever a "someone" else I could have had something with. Silly me. Forgot about that. Any guys in college were either taken, gay, or completely not interested in me. Then there's the guys who are interested in just one thing, and I'm certainly not that kind of person.

All I want is someone who gets me. Someone who understands me. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who can look me in the eye and just... just be... just be there for me. That's all I want. I want to walk around in the snow together. I want to go shopping together. I want to see a movie together, even if it's a really stupid dumb movie. I wanna lounge around and watch tv or play video games together, or watch him play video games. I just want someone special in my life who I can call "mine." And I want them to call me "theirs."

I just want someone to love me for who I am and accept everything about me just the way I am.

Is that so much to ask?

I guess it is...

I've never even kissed a guy. Not even a peck on the cheek. I got a peck on the cheek once - ONCE - from my "I guess he was technically my first boyfriend but he was really gay and I didn't know it and he was too ashamed to come out until later and he broke up with me via an instant messanger" ex-boyfriend... who I don't even count as a real relationship because we never did a thing. He never even waited for me to walk to band together in high school and we were in the same locker section. You know, I don't even think I've ever even held a guy's hand and walked somewhere together. How pathetic is that?

How pathetic am I?

But the thing I realized today, too, is that I'm probably never going to find someone like that. I've been trying. I've been trying so hard. Guys don't like me like that. Guys never look at me, talk to me, treat me like I'm something special. Whenever I do pluck up the courage to tell someone that I think I might like them, it never ever works out. I'm always "just a friend." That's all I ever am. That's all I'm ever going to be.

And that's just the way it's going to be.

Am I depressed? I sure do feel like it. But what am I supposed to do about it? Talking doesn't make it better. Thinking about it makes it worse. I'd love to talk to the source of some of this, aka Thomas, but that's impossible.

Ugh.

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