I can't find a worse feeling right now than my mom blatantly losing faith in me. I know I haven't given her any reason to believe in me, but I haven't even started yet. The few things that I have tried to tackle have all been screwed up and somehow made things worse for her.
I feel the difference between now taking on my dream and my past projects is the fact that I've been doing these tasks for other people, to make it easier for them and prettier on paper. I really don't give a ******** about beings who have nothing better to do than pick apart flaws and turn a blind eye to your positive attributes, but my world revolves around my family. If my family were to ever become ashamed of me, I would die.
The success of my family all rests on me now, and God, I feel it. It hurts so much, the whole Goddamn weight of the world on my shoulders.
No matter how hard I try to improve somehow, its unnecessary in my mother's eyes. I just wish she could hear my cries for acceptance, how much I really want to make her proud, but she's so hard to please. We have such different interests that it takes so much for me to get any kind of recognition from her compared to my sister, once again, her favorite.
It doesn't matter what my sister does, my mom willingly understands and encourages her. I can't help but think she's sick of me, just being nothing, and wants to keep me in line so I don't do anything stupid that will cause her ridicule in some way.
I know she doesn't understand me, but she doesn't know where to start. That is partly my fault, though every time I try to let her in, she interrupts me with 20 questions and frustrates the hell out of me.
I wish my dad was here, physically. I wish I could hear him tell me he's proud, like he always would, no matter what. I feel him tell me he's proud, but it just isn't the same. I wish he was here... what a selfish thing to say.
He's allowed to be a better father this way, he's always here when I need him : ) So I shouldn't be so self-centered and pitiable.
I also shouldn't compare my mother to my father. After all, they are two different beings, and I'm upset that my mom compares me to my sister, so its wrong for me to do the same. If I make my mom cry, I don't mean to, I just can't hold these words in any longer... my head is a vault of nagging thoughts and self-therapeutic riddles which has failed to fix my problems. It can't be helped, can it?