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1/2/ 2014 , 8:29 a.m.

I still think my girlfriend doesn't get me. It's only natural to not get me because many people have a hard time getting me sense I refuse to talk about certain things. Especially if they're personal for their own good. s**t...I don't get myself sometimes.

She tries to. That's what I know. ...She tries. One thing she doesn't get is my touching phobia. Its more than one reason. Other than the past; I'm a trans gender. I really hate showing anything. Hate the thought of it as well. Don't know why it gets me upset. Hell, I'm battling s**t myself. Life, people, problems that come out of no where. My dad is trying to get inn contact with me. I don't want that at all.

He already rejected me, and I'm not afraid to confront him if it ever get to that case. So be it. I was warned earlier about him, but I didn't see. Now that I lived through it, I finally got what they warned me about. Psh! Enough of that.

I'm getting pretty tired of people telling me s**t I know. Mom: You have issues. ..... I ******** know that! Don't we all! (You need help) I know that! But don't we all! (You need a therapist).I know that! Already have one! Like s**t. ... I'm the first one to know of these things, so don't act like you saw the signs first, cause I did. So stressful....

There are times when I get tired of hearing "Love". I at least want one day of total bliss from that word. I never heard " I like you" before. Maybe if I had heard that first, the impact of the word "love". Wouldn't have been so overwhelming on me. "I like you" sounds soft and ...happy. With the word love you have to worry about not saying it enough, didn't say it all throughout the day, not saying it back, saying it at the wrong time, or them thinking you don't for not saying it. ...its still hard, but I'm getting use to it.

I made a promise to myself that if I ever stopped being in a relationship, I would take half a year, or a full year to prep myself back up until I go back to dating. I like taking my own time. It feels nice to have time to think before making a move too soon.

Being transgender....you notice things you haven't realized before. I realized how unfamiliar my real name is when I hear it. I realize how pissed I get whenever I hear someone call me by female pronouns. I realized how much I changed through looks by looking at my old pictures. I gain more friends who are like me. ... a lot of things. Lol, my family thinks that I'm just being over the edge. ...they're all ignorant.

I take people I knew as a child seriously. Like damn; If you knew me since I was a kid, well then you should know that I can't get mad at you that easily. ..just can't. ...weird.

I'm just hoping that my new binder comes in the mail soon; I tend to hate when things take a month to come, but I have the patience to wait.

Well I guess that's all for today. Unless some s**t happens later.