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I have always been self conscious of the way I look. I have never liked the fact that I am chubby. I always try and keep myself hidden behind different layers of clothing. It's so irritating sometimes. Not really the fact that I am self conscious, but that I let it get to me so much. And because of that, I am so awkward. About everything. I don't like showing myself to anyone. Even if it is ninety degrees outside, I am wearing jeans because I don't like my legs. Or I'm wearing three layers of shirts to try and cover up my stomach. Or a sweatshirt to try and hide from the world.

I wish that I could feel comfortable with myself. I wish that I could feel like, even if for a moment, that I was alright. That I wasn't ugly. There has been so many times that I have told myself that I'm going to accept the way I am and think of myself as beautiful. But it never truly works.

There are so many things that society says is beautiful. Thigh gaps,flat stomachs, thin. The things that I am not. I sometimes wish there were more woman shown that were heavier yet still beautiful. It would make girls that are bigger not as self conscious.

I have a cousin who, like me, has an issue with being bigger. I have always tried making her know that, even though she's bigger, she's pretty. But she never forgets to make a comment on how 'we' need to get skinny. Or how 'we' need to eat less. Or even how 'we' shouldn't even be out in public looking like this. And it's sad to say, but this form of talking over the years has really torn down my self esteem.

I have been thinking about this all day. I won't show anyone my stomach because I have marks on it and I'm embarassed of them. I won't show anyone my legs because they are big and they make me uncomfortable. I won't show anyone anything because I don't like myself.

I'm so inspired by those who are so proud to be who they are, even if they are bigger. I hope that someday, I too can be proud to be me. And on the days where I feel self conscious, I will rant and maybe it will make me feel a little bit better. I know it has tonight.