I've missed two days of school, and I don't care anymore. Why should I go back? Get good grades? I'm a ******** nuisance in AP English, I don't even belong there. I'm stupid. I can't contribute to a conversation because I can't even understand it half the time. I failed the practice test they gave since I didn't even know half the words they were talking about. I'm not smart, I'm average, everything I do is average. Nothing about me is special or above someone or something. I know I'm going to get the same kinds of comments from John and Gabby. I don't care anymore. This morning I just sat there thinking, "why should I go back if I can't even make a difference in my life? I try, yet I always seem to fall short of my goals."
I failed at writing, photography, even putting my thoughts down on paper. I wrote five pages of how I feel and how I became the way I am and its never going to be seen by anyone. Besides, who would want to know why I am an attention whoring, pity-seeking waste of space? "Oh shes doing it again." Great.
I keep bothering everyone I come into contact at school. I keep asking Jen what I missed in class and I know that bothers her. She always seems so cold and distant when I'm around her, but when shes with her other friends she comes to life. I don't see why I even talk to her since it doesn't even feel like she wants to be around me. I don't see why anyone would possibly want to. No one has given me any reason as to why I am such a good friend.
There are no reasons. Nothing, and thats what I expect. I always expect nothing. I may have fun for one night, but thats a grain of sand as opposed to the giant boulder of negativity thats weighing against it. I just cannot stand feeling this way. I have no reason to live, and I cannot see being around three days from now.
Speaking of which, I won't be going to the ice skating trip on Friday. You all can have fun without me, which I know you will. I've been spending a lot of time away from Raymond lately so I want to spend a day with him.
Maybe thats what is bothering me. I haven't really spent a day with Raymond in weeks. I only see him for about a couple hours a day since he goes to school around 2 or 3pm, then goes to work until midnight. We don't even have the weekends anymore.
I'm just tired completely. I feel nothing but this pain that cannot be described. And now I'm going to end this since I feel like I'm complaining.
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Stupid-no-Jutsu : The art of being stupid.
Finally released in a totally unabridged format.
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I don't agree that you failed in photography, and I've not seen your writing.
But when it comes down to it, it's *your* opinion that matters.
You say your friend comes back to life when she's away from you and with others, but your negative opinion of yourself may be influencing that. Or.. maybe you need some new friends? It sounds like these people don't make you happy, or they don't interest you, or don't treat you well.