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(You just can't bury some things...)

Old feelings coming again. Like my life is just one friggin circle. When stuff gets heavy like it is now, it's when I feel most alone. Everybody's got their own life. They can have their own fun and hang out with people while I sit piled in s**t. "How can you say that?" you might ask. "You had people visit you and had your good times."

Yeah...I guess. Am I paying for that good time with what's happening now? While everyone else is reaping for their suffering with a good time. I had my fun when life was still fine. Then it's like bam right back into s**t, conveniently once the fun is over, everyone's gone away and I sit here with God with my head down and His hand on my shoulder.

I'm not jealous. I want everyone I love to be happy. I guess...I guess in the end I had hoped by some foolish way that I would be the one to bring them happiness. Maybe I did. Either directly or indirectly I have influenced it, right? So...if I got what I wanted...why is there so much underlying pain and lack of satisfaction? Maybe I'm just falling apart. I want to forget everyone and start over...but there are people I just can't live without. You ever just wanted to tell someone everything you feel? Everything you fear? Then you hear their voice or see their eyes and...it all just dies on your lips? I refuse to bury it, though it hurts. If I walk away, I walk away from even the memory...and if I lose that....I will lose...that part of me that made me just a bit different from the rest.