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(A/N: This was written about two or three days ago.)
Here we go....

It's about that time in my relationship with Jonathan where things just start going wrong. Nothing is going the way its supposed to. I have a feeling his family is starting to hate me. We haven't been spending much time together, and when we do it's all about sex. Now, I can't complain because I don't really do much to stop it, but I do admit that it's starting to feel like that's what it's all about. As much as I love it, I don't want our relationship to be nothing but sex. I love him with all my heart and I want nothing more than to be with him, but to be perfectly honest...I'm starting to doubt his feelings for me. I keep telling myself not to think this way and to trust him...but my heart keeps thinking differently. What if his parents tell him to stop seeing me? With how family oriented he is, I wouldn't be surprised if he listened. What if they started filling his mind with all sorts of horrible things about me? Would he believe them? Or would he trust his heart?

With the way he's been acting lately, I've started questioning whether or not he's "The One". This is where it gets complicated. See, I know this guy. James. We had hooked up in the past before Jonathan and I got together, and I know he has feelings for me. Enough feelings that he's willing to leave his girlfriend, Hannah, to be with me. He's said that before, and he's still saying it now. Admittedly it was just a one time thing that happened on bad terms. I don't regret it, I just wish the circumstances had been different. I do still have feelings for him. Not strong enough to leave Jonathan for him, but feelings non-the-less. But I'm really starting to wonder....does Jonathan love me as much as he says he does? Or is he just playing with my heart like all the others? I don't know what to do. Lately Jonathan hasn't been as affectionate with me...the only time he is if he's feeling frisky and wants to have sex. Also, he may ask me if I'm ok when I'm upset, or if anything is wrong, but he doesn't follow up on it. If I don't respond, he gives up and just walks away. Instead of trying to comfort me and keep me company like he should.

When James and I went our separate ways, things were fine. But now that I've had a chance to hang out with him again, it makes me realize how much we really had in common. How well- personality wise and looks wise -we fit together. Two peas in a pod, you know? I look at Jonathan and I and get scared.... As far as I'm concerned I'm not that attractive....what happens if he finds someone he likes more? What happens if he realizes I'm not worth his time? Our friends may say we look "cute" together, but I see us and feel that he's lowering his standards just by being with me. Then I look at James. He may not be the most career oriented of people, but he makes me laugh. We can talk about almost anything, and I'm having fun. I'm not bored. I look at him...and I still get that shiver when I see him. You know, the one that makes your whole body tingle with excitement. Of course, I get that feeling with Jonathan as well, but lately it's only been when he touches me a certain way. It just feels that James and I have so much more in common. But my heart is still pulling me towards Jonathan, as if telling me that he and I are still meant to be together. I don't want to hurt either of them, but I don't want to let myself get hurt either. I'm not going to leave Jonathan, but unless he starts to shape up and get his act together....well, I just don't know....


(Please feel free to leave some advice for me...)