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I feel stupid.

"Tonight, the whole world can shut up. Tonight, social anxiety can take a break, low self esteem can go away and loneliness can take a hike. Tonight, you can be safe, for once, if only for tonight."

I don't know. Maybe I'm just lonely. But everyone seems to be. I keep thinking how I'm going to end up unhappy and alone, because I can't get what I want, and everything that matters to me doesn't see me. I don't exist in those sweet eyes.
You know that saying? How you always hurt the ones you love. Well it goes both ways. And, if I can add, I believe that love is, in a way, a form of completion between two people. And once you make that person full and fix that person, they leave. The things you fix always end up leaving you. But the things you break, they stay forever.

Maybe I'm just going crazy. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Maybe I'm pretending to care about something I shouldn't care about. What really makes me feel detached, lonely and outcast is when people say "It's going to be okay." How do they know that it's going to be okay? Who made them the prophet?
What if I say that you don't know if it's going to be okay or not. Nobody does, and that is what is so scary.

Maybe life is just some stupid and pointless thing and all we can do is just go with the flow and "hope for the best" and "expect the worst." I hate that. I want life to have some kind of filling, something to make it whole. I want my life to feel more than a moment that I spend being alone, sat talking to people who I'm unsure if I care for, unsure if they care for me, unsure if we matter, unsure, unsure, unsure. I just want to be happy, and yes, I'm writing that again in this journal, for the millionth time. I just want to be happy.

I want to be poetic, and I already am, in a sad and pathetic pointless way. I want to be poetic with someone. I want someone to make me feel special, really special, like I used to feel when I was in love. I'll admit it now, my life has been empty for a long time, since the greatest love I have ever felt ended.
But I won't talk too much about love, it's such a cliché. And I don't want to end up being a cliché.

All I know is that I will never get to feel that love again. I'm nothing and that love is adamant in its views of me. I can't change it, I can only try to change me. And it's so hard to change yourself when you don't understand the world, when you don't understand yourself, when you don't understand why you just can't feel a connection to anyone.
To be honest, I just don't see myself in a relationship anymore. I'm too ugly, I say, I'm too odd, I'm too anxious, I'm too weird, too much of a loser to be that guy to hold someone's hand.
And it's all true. Nobody wants me and I can't blame them. My friends ask me if it's serious with my girlfriend.
I say: "maybe.... erm.... No. Eh.... I don't know. I don't think it is, she probably does though." And I know I'm a bad person for staying with someone I don't like. I know you think I'm leading her on, I know. I am. But maybe I'll click and suddenly I'll feel something for them. Maybe I won't.

There was a time that I wish that I never met the one. Now, today, I wish that I was never born. Life is just so complicated and all the happiness seems so far away. Success doesn't look good to me. Be rich, get a big house, marry a hot girl and have those hot kids, that hot car, all the hot new consoles, whatever. No. I don't know. It doesn't feel like what I want. At all.

I just want to be happy.

I guess I want to live far away from everyone I don't like, everything I don't need and just live with you and your friends and my friends and our friends. I want to hold your face between my hands and look at your soft imperfections. I want to look at all those faults in your body, at all those adorable and beautiful ugly parts of you, I want to look at your silly mouth, and kiss it softly, tenderly and with a desire of longing that never dies.

I want to look into your warm eyes and tell you that you are a masterpiece. Your every fault is a perfection, with every inch of you radiating a thousand emotions that cut deep into my being. Tangle your hands with mine like ancient roots in the earth, let them mold together and bind as one, for I never wish for us to part. I want to tell you that you are a dream, a cradle to my truest desires, a rush of hope, a dose of fear, a beloved niche to my boundless, untamed imagination.

I want you and I want you bad. You are the night sky, infinite, scary yet beautiful and full of wonder, a sight that will mark the world forever. I want to tell you that you are the ocean, forever coming back to me in waves, at times with great violence and at other times with the beauty that only water can make, fluid, clearly defined, perfection.

I don't just want you, I need you. And maybe you need me, but I just have to become me again. Maybe you don't, and I will be destined to feel alone, stupid and awful forever. I hate the stakes when it comes to you, but I love the gain. I just want it to be over, this awful thing we have, and I just want to be there, with you, holding you, maybe, finally, accepted by you for everything that I am, forever.

I have a million bad habits to break, not sleeping is one. Feeling alone is another.