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I thought about putting this entry on myspace, but being as there are soooo many irl people from school who can see it... Yeah, I heart Gaia!

Anyway, this is a list of my accomplishments... not the woeful kind, but the happy sort. I know that not all of them are necessarily considered to be accomplishments, but they still made me incredibly happy during probably one of the worst schooll years ever.

- Awarded my first varsity letter in cross country (along with my super nifty trophy for "Most Improved" runner... 20 min!)
- Secured a job and a steady flowing income from the library
- Accepted to county band, the only place I can openly share my musical obsession without feeling like a reject
- Advanced in the fine art of web coding
- Spent countless hours trying to make conversation with Mike (Only some of it was successful, but atleast I didn't just sit around watching my time with him come to an end... okay, I did that too... so I'm not quite sure if that makes me more pathetic... or... oh I dunno, but for some odd reason, my heart still aches for him and he still has no idea)
- Had a very successful robotics season
- Found the courage to take my driving test (Sure I failed, but being as driving scares the s**t outa me, I'm happy I atleast volunteered to take it)
- Nowfound love of Physics to give me some direction in life
- Gained so many new friends in old acquaintences it's hard to keep track
- Awarded my second varsity letter in track... I racked up points like nobody's buisness with all my second and third places
- Lost a ton of weight and firmed up a few of my jiggley parts
- Finally attended a highschool formal dance... prom was a night I'll never forget 4laugh I even wore a dress... just so Suz wouldn't have to take my pants off.
- Mastered the sax and became a mediocre flute player
- Set Mat and Emily up... probably my most graceful attempt at matchmaking yet:

You see, Mat was had been kinda crushing on a girl who even though she was really sweet, probably wouldn't ever consider going out with him. When she moved away and he was still writing his fantasies about her into his novel, I figured it might be time for me to try to turn his sights to someone else... a someone who I met in an elective class and was a freshman friend of my freshman brother (whom she had had a crush on in the past, and I couldn't see my bro ever going out with her). Thus, they were perfect for one another and all I needed to do was talk about Emily all the time around Mat, mentioning how she thought he was cute (which she did, she was even sorta crushing, but I didn't want to tell Mat that until I thought that the feeling would be mutual) and finding out that though Mat didn't really know her, he was interested. And then, after relaying Mat's interest to Emily and giving them lots of time to bond (a whole schoolyear's worth... they are soooo slow) Mat finally asked Em out and now they are living happily ever after.
Except... the two of them are always hanging out with one another so it's almost like I lost two of my best friends. But, Mat is happy at last and Emily is safe chillin' with him... and they are sooooo into eachother. It's beautiful.

- Nominated to be a student member of the Red Cross Board, an organization through which I have learned so much about volunteering, donating time and money, and buisness perspectives
- Participated in a bando rebellion vs. the man (our bd) and won the right for seniors to have the upper parts
- Had the time of my life on the band trip to NYC with probably the worst cold I've even had... drugs, tissues, chapstick, and sweatshirts made it possible.
- Visited the halfpipe for the first time since my fall three years ago
- Kept in touch with all of last year's graduates and even some from prior years through email
- Passed down the job of section leader ... something that I've looked foward to my whole life, and even though there is a rather pushy senior who wants it, I plan to hold my control and not give it up as easily (or hopefully at all) I have with every other position ever offered to me...

... which I guess will lead me into a brief rant about Liz...
I mentioned something about wanting to do a robotics presentation for a senior project and instantly she's all over the idea saying she could do all the talking and whatnot. She's so used to getting her way that I hate to tell her no, but I seriously don't think that she realizes that my senior project needs to be done by me and me alone.

Then there's the whole section leader thing. Our whole section has know since freshmen year that the job of section leader would either go to Rachel or me... and then when Rachel was given drum major, the question still hung around, but she said it could be mine. Nikki passed down everything from the secret clarinet solos to the array of music not to Liz or Rachel, but to me. I guess I just assumed this automatically made me a section leader... and I thought nobody had any problems with that...
... untill Liz came up to me and told me she was going to be section leader too. She didn't ask, she didn't say anything about being a co-section leaders, she just wanted it...

I don't think it has anything to do with her wanting to help the section... and if that were the case, I have given lessons to five different girls over the past six years and explain things better than she generally does. It seems to me that she simply doesn't like living in other people's shadows. She always needs to be on top. I usually can accept that... I mean, she's good at dominating things. But she's been dominating me since 8th grade year book when she joined and instantly assumed that she knew how we did everything and that I knew nothing even though I'd been in it all through 7th and lended a hand in 6th.

I guess I finally just want something to be mine and mine alone... Coming from a big family means nothing is ever my own (except chores xp ) and being friends with Liz means always hiding in her shadow... she always feels the need to tag along and then overpower, and it drives me crazy.

So when she said she was going to be section leader, too, and kept saying that it was our section which she morphed into her responsibility, her wishes, and keeping her happy... I felt like s**t. I already don't consciously acknowledge her as a section leader which makes her mad... but I really, really don't want to give it up. I'm know it sounds really selfish, but I always back down where my friends are involved because I just want them to like me.... however.... someone once pointed out to me that sacrificing yourself for others doesn't always give you that warm, fuzzy feeling that makes your loss feel worth it. Sometimes you have to lookout for yourself, because otherwise, no one will... it's like The Giving Tree and other various poems and such.

I guess I was always just brought up believing that being selfless is important, but when it leaves you sitting around with nothing to do and no one to turn to... well, I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it.

Oh geez, like me and my little crush. Mat asked me why I've been crushing for more than a year and haven't even made a serious attempt at setting myself up with Mike as I had set him up with Emily. The only answer I could come up with is that I fear Mike isn't interested in me... and I know what it's like to be crushed on by someone you don't really like. It's really awkward and uncomfortable and you always feel like crap when you have to reject them... and I definately don't want Mike to feel that way because of me. And I can't really find out if he's interested without exposing my interest... so I'm up the river without a paddle.

I really want to hang out with him over the summer, but he's such a hermit and I only have a couple of mutual friends with him... which means I probably won't be randomly bumping into him as I have with past crushes and definately won't be able to rope any of them into setting us up.

Next time I'm at the library I'm going to find a book on curing crushes... there must be one. I've seen everything from male depression to bisexual couples... there has to be one on curing crushes and mending broken hearts and crapolla like that.

Shoot, this turned into a much longer entry that I thought it would be....
Happy Father's Day Gaia!

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